Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Love is all we need. Or is it?

So, you know when you've been thinking about something, and then things start happening all around you that relate to it, and suddenly its everywhere, and you start thinking about it more and more and you can't seem to get anywhere?
Well anyway, I have been thinking about love for a while now ( I know, so girly of me! ), and relationships, and whether or not love exists, and what the hell is it anyway, and why do we feel the need to be with someone else, etc, etc ...
The thing is, I'm not saying I'm a bitter non-love believer, I have been in love, or so I thought, I actually thought I was in love for loooong periods of time, 3 years once , then 4 years. Until it all came crumbling down and I found myself single for the first time in 8 years. Now it didn't end pretty, so it was hard, but after the initial hurt and sadness and depression and all accompanying symptoms of a painful breakup, I started realizing that I was actually much much much muuuuch happier alone. Now maybe it just goes to show the relationship was meant to end, and if I was so miserable maybe I shouldn't have been in it that long in the first place, but the truth is, we get used to people, and we get used to having "constant" affection, or at least hoping for it, knowing that there is this one person who is supposed to be there for you no matter what. But when you start to melt into the other person, and you're unhappy but you're so used to them that you can't imagine living without them but at the same time being with them is becoming so destructive , then can we still call this love? I thought I loved my ex boyfriend, but if I think about it now, I don't even remember what I felt that made me think that way. I was just so used to sharing my life with him, that after a while it was like I never even thought about it. And just like I was used to being in a seriously dangerously "serious" relationship , now I have gotten used to being on my own. And seriously, its a lot lot better. I found out things about myself, I rediscovered the things I was passionate about, I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, and most importantly, nothing and no one can make me cry my heart out anymore because my happiness now depends on myself. And all I need to be happy is to do the things I like doing, to push my passions forward and to basically be "myself" ( what is myself is a whole other issue that we will be discussing some other time, though ). And that is starting to make me think that If I can be so happy being alone, then so can everyone else, and then why would we ever need to be with someone else? Now if I really wanted to, I could've felt lonely at some times, but the truth is, a boyfriend is not the only person who will care about me, and lots of other people care about me, parents and family and teachers and old friends and new friends and even random strangers will surprise you sometimes... So in fact, we don't really need just one person to care about us more than anyone else, and a lot of friends who care about you are more precious than a boyfriend who will care about you for a year, or two or three and then disappear from your life. Which gets me to the second thing I've been wondering about and that is, supposing love does exist, can it really last that long? I mean, I know people get married and spend their whole lives together , and sometimes can be happy with each other forever. But I've been wondering, at least from what I've seen, doesn't it all just become a habit? I think we admire people sometimes, and we get to like them and feel close to them and maybe "love" them, and hence we want to spend time with them, but then after a few years when you've said everything you could possibly say and you know everything about the other person completely and nothing is a mystery anymore and you understand how they think and work and what makes them evil and what makes them sweet, and you see the ugly side and the good side, and you come to hate them at some points and despise them at others, is it still love? Or is it just that we don't want to die alone, and everyone else is a couple, and we are scared of being lonely, that makes us stay with each other? Is it habit? Or is it normal that "love" just turns into something else, like a mutual agreement to stick with each other and share lives? What if no one got married, and no one was a couple, and everyone was just friends with everyone else, and we could be attracted to many many different people, and be close to them for a while, and share great moments with them, and then just go on discovering other people, and share other moments with those other people, wouldn't that be more natural? I'm not saying I'm a libertine, and I'm not saying go sleep with everyone you see, but really, isn't human instinct more like that than any other sort of social interaction that we accept today? How many can claim that they have never looked at someone else while being in a relationship, or liked someone else, or kissed someone else, or slept with someone else? Where is the boundary between "normal" and "maybe I should be reconsidering my relationship with X" ? And here enters the question of morals, and the strength of our wills and beliefs. See, I'm sure some people stay together forever, and are happy with each other, and don't cheat on each other, and respect one another, but I think it all depends on wanting to do these things. I mean, we can decide to spend the rest of our lives with someone, and care about this person, and decide that we will be loyal and faithful and caring, and turn away from any temptation, and even when faced with difficulties and problems choose to solve them to stay together and stay happy. Or we could just give up and break up or give in and cheat and let the whole thing blow up in our face eventually. So what makes some people choose the first one, or the second? Marriage is no guarantee, and even though some people may want to preserve their marriage, sometimes, they might not resist the temptation. What is it that makes us chose one person over another? After a basic "do we get along" check, I think most people could "fall in love" with anyone, if they chose to. All they would have to do would be to convince themselves that they are, and sustain this belief as long as they wish to. So is it all just an illusion? And if it is, is it so bad?
I never had a problem with being loyal, I'm someone who has never been that static, but somehow when it came to relationships, my boyfriends were the only thing stable in my life. Am I saying I never "liked" other guys while being with my boyfriends, no, of course I did. But I never had the urge to do anything about it. If I had been religious, this would all have been easier, because church doctrine tells us that marriage is about respect and love and concessions and being together in good and bad. Two religious people probably would stay together forever, in that case. But what if one out of two is not ready to make concessions, to commit forever, to renounce temptation? And how can you ever tell, when its all nice and perfect at the beginning? I guess you can never tell, and you just have to trust, or learn to trust again, or decide never to trust and be happy by yourself. When I was 16 I used to think I wouldn't get married before I was 50, so I wouldn't die alone, but also wouldn't ruin my life and freedom with kids and commitment when I could still use it. Now I'm 21, and I'm not so sure about the whole thing anymore, and I don't know if I'll get lonely way before I'm fifty, and I don't even know if I will ever be married. I mean, who can tell? And maybe I will find out if love exists, and maybe I won't, either way it doesn't matter, at least now you got to read something other than the Katzenklavier.


Maya said...

Beautiful post :) I agree with all you said. We are individuals whose priority should be knowing ourselves fully and understanding ourselves fully before trying to understand and bear someone else. Thanks for sharing the thoughts

lukewarm said...

"After a basic "do we get along" check, I think most people could "fall in love" with anyone, if they chose to. All they would have to do would be to convince themselves that they are, and sustain this belief as long as they wish to." This

nick axel said...

"after a basic 'do we get along' check, i think most people could 'fall in love' with anyone, if they choose to. all they would have to do would be to convince themselves that they are, and sustain this belief as long as they wish to." then it's not about love. i'm not sure if its about belief though, either. what i've found, what i believe, is choice. love, belief, they all are answered, challenged, and questioned after choice. a choice goes beyond belief, beyond love. i don't know what it is. its more abstract than a commitment, but it has to do with relations. all relationships involve choice, require choice. so if it has to do with choice, then it has to do with the characterists that lead to choice which are much more subjective and personal; ego, confidence, anxiety, depression, self-consciousness, lack there of, so much more.
all i've found is its not even making the choice that matters, its getting to the point where you can. if the situation is where you can make the choice, it has already been made. its neurosis, schizophrenic, insane, detrimental, masochistic, to choose against the choice already made, to interrupt the flow of duration.

JeffAyache said...


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