Dolphin Rights?

A recent post by Lulee  about how dolphins are the second most intelligent species on Earth has got me thinking. Are Dolphins smarter than humans with special needs? If the answer is yes, then we will either have to seriously redress the way we treat dolphins, or the way we look at the retarded. Some of you may be sceptical of the comparison raised here, and I understand your concerns, I mean one of them is just a warm blooded mammal that loves fish, and the other is a Dolphin. (Heyo!)

How acceptable is it that we have these animals performing tricks, jumping through hoops, and acting like imbeciles, when they could be used to create porn movies instead! I mean these are creatures that commit suicide, gang rape, and murder for sport, These are all the best attributes of humanity!

So unless we are willing to horde the retards into pens and have them perform for our amusement, maybe we should focus on bringing Dolphins democracy instead.

Vault:

Put your faith in the youth

How many of you guys have heard some older person say they're putting their hope in the next generation.

You know what old people who have given up. Fuck you!

No, do not put your faith in the next generation. You have clearly fucked us over in this deal and are handing us the short end of the stick. Stop being so defeatist and lazy, get off your fucking asses and take responsibility for your douche baggery. There is no excuse why your generation should give up and burden change and hope on our shoulders(Yes that burden is used as a verb). Hell the reason why we are in this shit hole in the first place is your fault. Man up cause if you're not we're just going to collectively stick you in a retirement home.

Here is a gratuitous image of Salma Hayek in a Bra.

What, like all of a sudden you guys aint alive anymore, you're not interested in improving your lot. So you figure you have twenty more years to go, meh why bother. You know it's for attitudes like this that they invented suicide. Age is a matter of mind, you're only as old and depressed as you think you are. Jeez you guys are such downers, I'm getting out of here I can't let all this negativity get to me before I've grown up.

Colbert Nation is best nation

(This monologue no to be performed in front of terminal patients with cancer)



Vault:

Know your poo

 

Click on the image to enlarge.

For more fascinating facts go to this gem of a website: poopreport.com

"We are an unusual bunch, we Poopreporters, are we not? We think poop has humorous merit. And it does, as our great and powerful leader, Dave, has said so on many occasions:
Poop is funny.
It’s funny in the morning; it’s funny during lunch; it’s funny in the evening; and it’s sure as shit funny right before bedtime.
This website receives five thousand hits every day from people who think someone eating too much chili while simultaneously not having enough toilet paper is hysterical. You, fellow poopers, are not alone. Do not think of your delight in the intellectual appreciation of potty humor as setting you apart from the cubicle drones who so brazenly invade your liberated status with obsequious office behavior—those who swear that they have never, ever, pooted. No. Instead, think of it as rescuing you. It frees you from being one of the unflushed masses. (If they existed, I bet scientific studies would show that being able to laugh at a PoopReport lowers your statistical chances of being a total asshole by over twenty-five percent…)"


I especially liked the subscribe to poop news section.
Enjoy.

Paris Beirut je t'aime, moi non plus.

February 22, 2010.

"Hey S!
It's been a while! What have you been up to?
How's Beirut?
I've been sinking in work lately, it's really cold here and I don't feel like doing anything most of the time... But at least the work is good, its keeping me busy so I don't have to think too much, you know...
Well anyway, I just wanted to check on you... I kind of miss you...
It's just that sometimes, I wonder... Do you still think about... Well, I shouldn't bring this up probably... Anyway, I hope you're fine, keep in touch!

V. "

February 24, 2010.

"V,
Please stay out of my life.
S"

February 25, 2010.

"V,
I'm sorry about yesterday.
I guess I'm not okay either.
I do still think about it.
All the time.
Does it really matter though?
If you let your thoughts go outside of it and think hard enough it almost disappears.
I just try to do that, when it gets too strong...
I think about life as a limitless volume and then things don't weight the same...
They don't weight at all... or at least that's what I try to believe.
I know they're still there.
I'm sorry anyhow, what do you want me to say?
It's not cold here, you should move back...
I'm going away soon, I think.
Well, take care. I'm happy work is good. Work is good.
S."

Quickie

From the vault till I have time, sorry I havn't updated in a while:

Valentines day

We're already well into February and it seems that all everyone's talking about is Valentines day. For the uninitiated Valentines day may seem to be a commercial holiday created purely to spite single people into killing themselves, but for the rest of us, we realize what Valentine's day is really about ...

 This took 5 hours in MSpaint

Now most guys will want to get their girls flowers, and that's all fair and well, in fact there is a pretty cool campaign going on at Ivysays, but if you really want to leave a good impression ie: get her into bed quicker, you may want to follow these tips:

Ofcourse you may also choose to stay in this valentine

Read her Poetry:
Now we here at Bazella w riz feel as confused as a girl getting her first period by poetry, but for some reason when women hear poetry, no matter how sappy or disgusting, they see the speaker transformed into the man of their dreams, or an electric dildo, or both. And you want to be that person.
Try some of these quality BazellaWRiz patented verses:

Roses are red
Pickles are green
I like your legs
and what's in between.

Girl I need you like an orphan needs a mom,
Girl I need you like Bush needed Saddam
Girl I need you like a kidney stone patient needs to pee
Girl I need youuuuu to be with meeeee.

 Make her Dinner:
The biggest concern in valentines' day is not blowing your entire monthly salary on one night. One important way you can avoid this and still get laid is by cooking her dinner at home. Unless your date is 12 years old, sticking some ramen noodles into a pot is an unacceptable thing to do, if she is 12 then you have way worse problems than finding something to cook on valentines day. Try doing something easy like buying some steak and some wine, stick some fresh vegetables in a pot and boil them. I'd advise staying away from seafood and garlic.

Take her to a supermarket:
Some of you may laugh this option off as a practical joke, but taking your girl to the nearest supermarket and setting her loose will be the best thing you never thought of. Women love to shop, and we all have a secret yearning to go wild in the supermarket. She will love your initiative and you can have a great time getting lost between the endless aisles. Based on personal experience the best place to hide is in the diaper section. After you're done you can let her buy anything she wants and you can go home and have that dinner we talked about.

Light some candles:
 Girls love ambiance, by getting some scented candles and spreading them across your house you can have her melting like butter. If you still live with your parents it's even better because you can pretend you worship Satan and your parents are none the wiser. the benefits of candles is that you can use the candle wax for some sweet sweet S&M later.

Don't go to the website it's a bad bad place

Make your own gift:
Here is a game I love to play. Leave out clues in the house with each one leading your girl to another. Start some place you now she will be then lure her out to the garden or street. Then kill her. um.. wait no, don't kill her. Give her your gift. Kill her on some other occasion. Girls love crap you just glued together using your 5 year old brothers pencil case, make a nice heart with glitter hell I don't know just put some crap together and call it art, she'll go crazy for it.

You can also embed hidden messages

That's all you guys need to know for now. Now go out there and have a great valentines day, and if you don't have a date, remember, there is always chloroform! If you put in a little effort you may start to look forward to valentines night just as much as she doesn't!



Vault:

Kunhadi is badass

This is a tribute to the Kon-hadi add on the radio stations, it is quite bad-ass and I believe Horatio would approve.

*Urgent* Scientist finds Earth's gravitational pull increased on Feb 1st

*Breaking News*

A physicist from the CERN facility in France recently reported a spike in the level of Earth's magnetic weight. It is believed that the spike stems from a sudden increase in mass.

The spike has affected the Earth's orbit and appears to have created a new planetary path that has pushed the earth in an elliptical pattern a few Kilometers closer to the sun.

 

Shit!

According to the Max Plank Institute for Astrophysics, who posted an urgent warning on their website, the shift is going to cause monumental damage to everyone on earth. It is expected that most existing satellites will be lost, and that our relationship with the moon will be a little more "irregular".

When looking into the source of the astronomical change, it was found to have occurred around noon on Monday and to have surprisingly originated in Lebanon, particularly from one man.

This man:

Ex-Prime Minister Salim, A.K.A. "Potato Sacks", Hoss

It appears that on Monday, shortly after 12:00pm, Salim El Hoss issued a statement calling out the right hand of God on the Lebanese territories Grand Mufti Rachid Qabbani.

El Hoss reportedly read out the statement asking the Mufti to explain allegations of fund embezzlement, in a calm and deep voice, before turning around dramatically, with coat tails flapping in slow motion, to stare down God himself. Our one true maker who had returned from his age long slumber by the sheer ball dropping awesomeness of Hoss's act, was so awe struck that he exclaimed Medamn!

Excuse me mister Prime Minister sir but could you please move your balls off my feet!

Eye- witnesses claim that after a riveting 30 second staring contest during which the soundtrack for requiem for a dream started playing spontaneously in the background, God averted his gaze from the mighty Hoss and ascended in a majestic burst of white light, humiliated back to heaven. At that point the floor boards beneath Hoss began creaking and it is said that the size of his balls grew by more than ten-fold.

The massive increase in mass destabilized the Earth's orbit and has since left us hurtling towards a fiery painful death.

When contacted for a comment on the event Hoss smiled at reporters stared into the sky and said "bring it".

Efforts to reach God have remained unsuccessful, the deity has reportedly shut himself in a round room and is crying in a corner. In related news it is believed that Grand Mufti Qubbani was erased from the very fabric of space time in a purpley puff.

Vault:

Salim El Hoss in his younger days as an Econ teacher:

YEAAAAAHHH!