Thursday, May 20, 2010

One Line Movie Review: 300

The Persian Empire kills 299 Spartan soldiers creating a footnote in history. The End.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Summer is here

No one ever told me that 22 would be the new 14. I mean what the hell body. I feel like a burning mass of sexual desire, and it doesn't help that wherever I look there are short short clad girls with tight spaghetti string tank tops!
 You've been on question one for 30 minutes!

It was only a year ago when I used to walk with my head down diligently hoping that no one would take note of my existence before I reached my car.

Why is my car buried in sand?

Recently I just can't stop staring! Now I know how annoying it can be to get stared down at by every guy you walk past on the street. I mean what kind of world do we live in when you can't wear your short skirt and fishnet top without getting eye fucked every few minutes.

The fuck y'all lookin at?

Unfortunately we can't all go around pistol whipping people like Sean Connery. Clearly the solution to this problem is to make Lebanese women less attractive. And here I am today to bring you the solution from a man's perspective. I present you with the ugly walk.

See that green thing in the top right corner, that's not it

The next time you find yourself being stared at for being attractive quickly slouch, change your posture, widen your strides, bend your knees and make grunting noises. Hey Presto! I guarantee that you won't get a single guy looking in your direction, maybe forever!

Damn you Lukewarm!

Alternatively you may also want to try the gain 20 kilo approach.


Thursday, May 13, 2010

Irony is

Starbucks running out of coffee. Apparently the factory in Kuwait belonging to Al Shaye3 the famous Kuwaiti mogul who owns everything from H&M to tasty diapers burnt down to the ground. Being someone who does not drink coffee I was not affected by this development and enjoyed my crispy caramel fappucino with the side of guilt and blood on my hands of Columbian orphans. but I can't help but feel that the business of a coffee store that doesn't have coffee won't but be affected by this turn of events. It's weird that this wasn't featureed in any of the news services.

Is this the work of Israeli boycott activists? probably not, they are too busy holding up signs and protesting in the streets in 5 day old unwashed hemp bags.
 Maybe they should try sitting there

That is all.

Oh God! Look at those thick framed glasses.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Lukewarm Donates blood

L walks into a bustling room and yells "who wants some blood!"

The clamouring masses throng around the half-god half-awesome mortal. "Now now, only one of you can have a part of me *cough*penis*cough* inside them, I guess you guys will just have to fight for it."

Out of nowhere a man brings a gilded chair for me to sit on as I watch the game com-

"Mr Warm! ... Mr Warm! ... It's your turn now"

"huh, what?" I look up and there silhouetted in light is a slightly disgusted nurse prodding me with her foot "damn that is some good water you serve at this facility" I yell in a voice that is needlessly loud.

"umm, That's thinner you're drinking, and you're currently in the janitors closet"

"So I am" I say stoically as I shield my eyes from the bright sterile lights outside.
 Pure Magic

I stumble my way into a white room filled with black patio chairs.

"Alright Mr Warm" Said the Nurse " We just have to ask you a few questions"
"bring it on Nurse babycakes"
Sighing she pulls out a checklist
"So you are O+ is that right"
" It took jimmy and me half an hour to figure out how to do those blood tests and goshdarn if I wasn't O+ 60% of the time"
"Ah yes you know if you can't trust your local drug dealer who can you trust? Ey"  I say as I poke the guy sitting in the chair next to me with my elbow "Am I right or am I right?"

"Sir that is a doll the interns practice on"

"So it is" I say stoically, "Damn that's some good thinner"
I'm so fucked right now

"Alright Mr. Warm, If we didn't need blood so bad, I would have thrown you out 5 minutes ago, lets just get this over with"

"Do you regularly use needles that put you in a risk of contracting HIV"
"Have you recently paid for sex"
"I tried but they don't accept splashmountain coupons"
"Did you recently come in sexual contact with anyone who may have HIV"
"does my hand count"

Though admittedly I do use protection

" Mr Warm If you don't take this seriously we will have no choice but to-"
"Listen nurse baby cakes, your gown is making me so hot right now I may just need to marry you"
"Dude! I'm a balding middle aged man"
"Love knows no bounds nurse baby cakes" I grab for her trying to sweep her off her feet, she is surprisingly heavy in the process I hit my head on a wall.

I wake up later lying on a black couch with my arm hurting like hell. I see a strangely familiar ugly dude walking up to me.
"I see you're finally up, we took advantage of your situation and withdrew your blood while you were out"
"Where is nurse baby cakes" I ask puzzled
"I am nurse baby cakes" he sighs resignedly
Looking him over "So you are" I say stoically "Damn that's some good thinner"
I pick at the plaster pasted on my arm "I must commend you on that fine figure you have sir"

"Normally I wouldn't do this, but you just saved this guys life" He said "His daughter asked if she could meet you, follow me please"

Feeling lightheaded I follow nurse baby cakes to a small room where an aging man is lying in a bed and his daughter is sitting next to him.

" I want to thank you" The woman says in a tired voice "it is because of kindhearted people like you-"

"Alright old dude," I cut her off and lean over the man in the  bed "here is the deal I now own 1/8th of your body, and therefore 1/8th of all profits you make from now till you die will be mine"

The old guy makes some inaudible moaning "also I must warn you of some side-effect of having my blood in your body, don't be surprised if it spends most of its time in your penis giving you raging boners"
Ever since that damn blood transfusion!

At this point a horrified nurse babycakes is catching the fainting daughter, I take advantage of this to seal the deal. "put it there partner" I spit in my hand and give him a long hard handshake breaking some of his fingers so he knows I am no pushover.

Life is good.


Dark Days have come

Dear Denizens of the Lebanese internet. I am interrupting the regular transmission of Bazella W Riz to bring to you some very sad and deeply disturbing news... The Boobies are gone.

Located between the Dawra and Jal El Dib bridges adjacent to the McDonalds, the boobies which were the highlight of my daily commute to and from work have been destroyed. Beirut Drive By-Shooting reports:

Who could have perpetrated such an act? 
Who could have taken the boobies from us?

I am beyond words at this point and my thoughts go out to all the boobie-less commuters in the coming days. 
Three Suspects are under suspicion for this crime.

1. Radical feminists:

2. Radical Religious Fanatics

Oh yes, I went there.

3. Radical Seagulls
  Mother-fucking Sea-gulls

The dark hands of intolerance to awesome boobage have struck again. We shall remember this day with  a commemorative mural and a quote from the founding fathers. May your days see better boobies.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and Boobies.

 You are all under abreast! YEAAAHHH!

Wednesday, May 05, 2010


I'm always weirded out when Lebanese people who I hardly know call me Habibi. I mean it's ok when your grandmother calls you Habibi, but when the clerk at the store you bought chocolate from thanks you using this loving appellation it can get kind of awkward.

Take for example this sweet old lady sitting in her dimly lit shop, You pay her for your purchase and she replies "merci habibi"

Or some guy on a mobilette on the intersection "Yalla Habibi!"

Or the guy who jacked your car and your meeting in bekaa "Habibna!" (plural?)

Or the bank teller telling you its your turn "tfaddal Habibi"

A caveat of the Habibi rule is that it is NOT OK to kiss an attractive woman just because she calls you her lover. Good thing sexual harassment laws haven't come far in this country.


Monday, May 03, 2010

What your email carrier says about you

What your email carrier says about you:

You created this account sometime in the early 1990's and have been using it since then. In your inbox you have forwards from your grandmother lying right next to porn site subscriptions you made all too hastily in your youth and now have no idea how to get rid of. You are too attached to your first e-mail address which all your friends know you by to risk changing to anything else, although in retrospect hammer_dick347 may have been one of the worse decisions you made over the years.

In 1995 you were the shit, you were a cutting edge hipster donning air-jordans watching MTV and shoving younger kids into trash cans in your free time. Today you still live under the impression that nothing has changed, but just like those tattered air-jordans, your life smacks of a nostalgic simpler age, when you used to be cool and people respected you.

You are up to current internet trends and feel smug about it. Carry on

Hello Grandma! I see your computer is back from the shop. I hope you are enjoying your windows 95 Internet Explorer 6 enhanced experience. It's only a matter of minutes before another virus takes you offline for the next 6 months. It's been nice chatting to you.


You are a vegetable.