Things My kids will never be turned on by (unnaturally)

5. Short repeated clips

Just 10 more times should do it!

When I used to be a kid, the internet speeds weren't what they were today. We didn't have any of that DSL shit so we had to make do sometimes with the same 5 to 10 second clip over and over and over again. So today whenever I hear a quick clip repeated over and over and over, I uncontrollably develop a boner. With the new internet speeds my kids will never experience the pleasure of anticipation as they stare at the percentage of each second downloading from the windows 95 browser.

4.pixelated/scrambled images

Richard Nixon is so hot!

I moved around a few houses back as a kid, and I only got a good porn channel in one of those houses. In the other places I had to scan between the channels to pick up fuzzy images of what I thought were naked women. Later it turned out it was some tv show presenter, but I guess attraction is all in the mind. To this very day when I see something that looks like a body on a scrambled black and white channel I get turned on. My kids will never know the pleasure of illegal cable, they'll probably have my parental lock cracked in less than a week and enjoy crystal clear titties on their LCD screen in our dumpster house.

3. 2-bit Mario princesses

Flash those calves you dirty pile of electrons!

When the game-boy came out in 1995 it was THE SHIT! unfortunately we didn't have backlights like today's kids do so we could only play during the day. But I still remember my early teen self having quite a few dreams involving princess peach and bowser. Oh shit there's nothing like a good imagination to get the juices flowing :D. In the future my kids will be immersed in 3D environments donning air pressure suits, and will have games that leave little to the imagination. 

2.Magazines and stuff on paper

This image was the first thing I ever printed. It got me through many lonely nights

My parents always told me, just before they tucked me in at night, that a playboy magazine used to mean something. That back then discovering a stash of centrefolds would have made you a reputation on the playground that'd get you through high-school. Hell even I remember printing out pictures on my old black and white Epson and stashing them under the mattress. I guess in that respect my generation straddle the border of innovation. The computer age came by fast and before you knew it, we were huddled around a laptop on the football field fighting to get a glimpse of some hardcore action which some kids older brother gave him on a CD he got. Ah good memories. Inanimate pictures, they don't even move!

1. Smell of Palmolive soap

No comment on this one.




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