Thursday, December 31, 2009

Happy New Year!

I Hope Everyone is enjoying their New year. We've had some good times haven't we, gone through so much together, through the thick and thin, through the lame and disconcerting. I just want to say that it's been an honour having this blog for the past few months.

On another note, it seems like everyone is making lists of the best of for the last year or decade, there's even a best of list of best of lists, sweet white Jesus, talk about breaking the fourth wall.

For me the most identifying moment of the past decade apart from Bush taking the presidency, the invasion of Iraq and Afghanistan, the Gaza war, the Palestinian Elections, Lebanese mini civil-war, Lebanese full fledged war, Obama wining the presidency etc... Ok so apart from that the number one event that made this decade for me was the ousting Joseph Fritzl. The guy who trapped his daughter for 24 years after he impregnated her when she was 17. God damn! Who knew that was illegal huh!

Anyway For my 2010 resolution I hope to graduate. Well it's not much of a resolution, I guess I also could try developing a sense of humour and moral decency and empathy for my fellow man ...
nah!


Vault:

Music in 2009

So a few days after New Years all the Radio Stations are going to be having their top songs of the year contests. If any of you want to participate, you best believe that the number one song in Lebanon this year is Edward Maya's Stereo love. I may not like the song but you've been hearing it since summer began and it's still going strong. Fuck. I guess it's like the scars of tortured childhood memories in that way.

Oh and another thing, what the fuck is with this shit about bringing new years a day before anyone else, what the hell is wrong with mix fm. The way we mark time is just a convention. Fuck, that's retarded.

(to be read in the voice of Chris Rock)


Vault:

Monday, December 28, 2009

Post Celebration detox

I've heard several of my yellow bellied pathetic wimps of friends telling me over and over again that as soon as the vacation season is over, they will be going into a food detox and will be turning into vegetarians.

As I write these words down right now I am actually also eating a delicious triple whopper with cheese, so needless to say I am not interested in such trivial things as health and transforming human beings into giant walking talking cows, But for those of you who are, this is Lukewarm's making vegetarianism fun!




Making Vegetarianism fun!

 Let's start with an average vegetarian meal say a Caesar salad. According to Wikipedia:

"A Caesar salad has romaine lettuce and croutons dressed with parmesan cheese, lemon juice, olive oil, egg, Worcestershire sauce, and black pepper. It may be prepared tableside."

Now to help with your transition I'm going to give you some suggestions to make this vegetarian dish much more fulfilling.


Step 1: remove the croutons
Step 2: remove the parmesan cheese
Step 3: remove the egg
Step 4: add some salt 
Step 5:  Place a cooked steak in the middle of the plate


Et voila! you can now enjoy a much tastier and improved dish that will make you sigh with orgasmic satisfaction. 


Vault:





Saturday, December 26, 2009

*Spoiler Warning* Sherlock Homes

Old Sherlock:


Watson: But Holmes how ever did you figure it out?

Holmes: Well you see it's elementary my dear boob headed companion, the killer is clearly Mrs. Pinkerton because of this set of incriminating evidence with which by highlighting I have simultaneously blown your and the reader's brains by the sheer force of awesome that is my deductive capability. Now run off while I make love to the dozens of Women waiting in line.


The pure genius of deductive reasoning

New Sherlock Homes Movie:

Watson: Oh fucktits, your breath stinks like hell have you been drinking again?

Holmes: Mumbles something about wanting to make love to Watson

Watson: Fuck! This is why I;m leaving this shit hole, you are always covered in shit, and being a generalfuck around asshole, Like that last time you pointed out that my mother had Breast Cancer. Very smooth asshole, it takes a real fucking genius to deduce that she had her boobs missing.

*Pigeon slams on window*
Holmes: Watson, a case has just landed in my lap, shall we take it up.




Watson: *glances at the incriminating papers Holmes is flashing in front of him* You're a fucking asshole


...later


Holmes: Fucktits Watson, we're at a cemetery, look at me while I lick this stone I found on the ground.

Watson: I'm pretty sure that's how you get syphilis...

Holmes: nonsense Watson (licks the face of a corpse in the morgue)

Watson: (throwing up on the evidence) Jesus ... would you please stop that.

Holmes: Alright Watson lets go fuck around while we wait for more evidence to fall on our heads, or I get you killed, whichever comes first.


End...

Lord Blackwood: Now with this technology which has yet to be invented for another good 300 years I will kill everyone with cyanide which I will then somehow use to rule the world.

Holmes: (laughing) black .. wood, ahahahha, dude what the fuck, you must have been bullied like hell as a kid.

Blackwood: (stares at feet)

Holmes: listen we all know how this movie will end so why don't you save us all the trouble and go die in a dramatic finale. I have some drinking to do.

...

Watson: Holmes wake the fuck up, you've been dreaming again. I'm leaving you for good this time, and stop molesting our dog. good bye.

The End!



Vault:


Thursday, December 24, 2009

The 12th day of Christmas


I can't wait to open my presents tomorrow!!

I never thought I'd say this but....

Where is the TRAFFIC??!
Where is the RAIN??!!
Hellooow, CHRISTMAS, you there??

So first, I'm still wearing t-shirts, and the sun is shining, and the sea is blue and the weather is beautiful, and as weird as it seems, I don't want it to be!!!

To me, Christmas = Rain, lights, traaaaaaffffiiiiiiiiiiiiccccccc forever, especially the last few days...My favorite Christmas memories involve waiting for hours in a traffic jam trying to get gifts to friends' houses, or getting to grandpa's house, or fighting with the whole family while Christmas shopping, and this year there's just nothing of that!
As Luke pointed out, something really weird is happening!
I was driving today from Hamra to Achrafieh, dreading in advance what I thought would take 3 hours to reach ABC, but to my surprise got there in 10 min, didn't even have to wait in line to get into the parking!!! It's busier than that on any given Sunday!!!
What happened to all the people who were there two days ago??
Did everyone just assume that everyone else would be there and decide to avoid the whole thing??
And yea, what's up radio stations!!! hellooooo, I know I hate Mariah Carey, but still Christmas is not Christmas until I hear that nasal pretentious voice telling me all it wants for Christmas is me.

Maybe I shouldn't complain. But really, with dry clothes, traffic-less streets and no rush, it really doesn't feel like Christmas this year!

So Santa, as weird as it might seem, all I want for Christmas this year, is RAIN. and PEOPLE. AND CHRISTMAS CAROLS. and to feel like its actually CHRISTMAS!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Don we now our gay apparel

I was driving home tonight and I noticed something very odd.

There was no traffic! It was 8pm and during my entire drive from Ain EL Mrayseh to I only slowed down once! And that was to wipe the blood off my wind-shield.

What's more  I couldn't find one decent Christmas song on the radio! To be fair I mainly listen to pop music and I don;t have any religious stations on my speed dial, but I found myself resorting to Nostalgie to  get a decent Christmas tune! NOSTALGIE!!! The frenchiest mc french french station around! What the hell you guys!

I guess it's clear that Christmas is on a downward spiral, many years from now your Children will be singing along to the sweet soothing tunes of Sean Paul and Lady Gaga. I'm glad I'll be old by then and I'll be able to molest all those little shits.


VAult video:
Results in google of looking up "Christmas gay"

The 11th day of Christmas


Tuesday, December 22, 2009

The tenth day of Christmas


They're getting better as the big day approaches!

Monday, December 21, 2009

The 9th day of Christmas



You get two because they are kinda lame

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

third day of christmas

On the third day of Christmas Lukewarm gave to me:

Ok I'm gonna cut the counting/singing part because I can't keep track of all the pics I have.







And this last one may be a bit too risqué:

Monday, December 14, 2009

The second day of christmas

On the second day of Christmas Lukewarm gave to me:









Two santas raping
One Santa Flashing
And a healthy dose of blasphemy!

Sunday, December 13, 2009

The first day of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas lukewarm gave to me:


One Santa Flashing

Saturday, December 12, 2009

The twelve days of Christmas

Well ma dears,

We're coming up quick on December the 13th and in celebration of the 12 days of christmas I'll finally be able to put that stockpile of Santa, Jesus, Christmas, Virgin Mary pictures in the vault to good use. Expect a new image everyday up till Dec 25th. They will be blasphemous and some will be disturbing, Don't say I didn't warn you. If you are a sensitive viewer you would do well to stay away till Dec 26th.



Vault:

Monday, December 07, 2009

The shittiest job in the world

As promised:

You're sitting  in your cubicle doing a 6day 9 hour job inputting the same data over and over again for a menial 2 dollars an hour. You start thinking to yourself that you have the worst job in the world. Well you could in fact be in England wiping some guys butt with your bare hands!

Yes the groom of the stool, or shit boy as he is commonly called, was a member of the royalty who was responsible for wiping the kings ass with his hands. At the time paper was in short order, so the king didn't have the time or money to go about wiping his own butt, getting his silky red robes shit filthy in the process.


What has been seen...

The obvious solution is hiring someone to wipe your ass for you. Now the king faced a dilemma, No one was applying to the job offer he posted on ye old town board. It probably had something to do with the fact that he wrote it with his own feces, but still, the king had to get his ass wiper.

So he sweetened the deal, not only would you be given a warm room and food, you would also become royalty, and not be sexually molested! By fondling his highnesses brown treasures you would become a respectable member of the ruling class, with a not sore anus!

Hot damn, that did the trick, before you knew the king had more shit boys than he knew what to do with, so he started killing the ones with dry hands, warts, and big penises and eventually narrowed them down to a few lucky soft handed bastards!


Maybe lucky is too harsh a word

Still as you can imagine the job had its awkward moments. Like when the king got that sudden bout of diarrhoea or when the not so rare case of Bukake would happen. On an awkwardness scale this job is more awkward than finding out you've been wearing your father's underwear all day, or that you've been using the wrong toothbrush for the last week, but still less awkward than the sobs of a rape victim.

Sadly the position of groom of the stool was abolished in 1589, today we just call him Prince Charles. Heyo!

So there it is, next time you find yourself bitching about how bad you have it open this post, read it, and thank whatever form of artificial life you worship that you are not a human roll of toilet paper.


Vault: not surprisingly, very few tasteful pictures of shit exist on the internet




NB: I first found out about this on cracked.com, as a rule of thumb however, once three websites have written on a topic it's up for grabs for anyone.

Sunday, December 06, 2009

Beirut Marathon!

To all those Bazella W Riz  fans at the marathon today! We know you've been training hard in front of your computers for weeks to get that thousand dollar prize! So here we're going to post some helpful tips to get you through your big day.


Tip 1: The day before

Make sure you get to sleep early. That way you will spend the whole night turning and twisting in bed trying to fall asleep but unable to. When you finally do get to sleep it will be two hours past the usual time you sleep at, and you will wake up in a sweaty distressed state, from a dream involving wooden spatulas and your high school teacher.






Tip 2: Have a good breakfast

Now that you have woken up in the shittiest mood ever, and that your stomach is in knots, you should try to force some food down your stomach.This is very important, I know they will be giving out bananas and raisins and shit at the marathon, but you won't have time to grab that shit while you're making the dash to the finish line against a Somalian man 1/4th your weight. This is when your breakfast comes in handy, a well aimed projectile vomit can win you anywhere between 5-10 seconds.


of course this could happen as well

Tip 3: Drink lots of water

Water is the source of life, and coke and tea, and pretty much everything. So it's very important to keep drinking during the entire day. It is not uncommon for real marathon runners to keep running from the finish line to the bathroom having held in all that liquid while they were marathoning. Of-course being Lebanese I encourage you to take piss breaks regularly if you need to. Use the nearby tree, a wall, or even better a fellow marathon runner's leg for extra points!



Tip 4: Lose with honour

We know you will probably come last. Right after the quadriplegic cripple, what did you expect? Just make sure to lose with respect and dignity. keep your head high and hope that they have a prize for last place. You've done us all proud, and there will always be next year.


Vault:




Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Every Diet ever made

Holy Crap!

You've just discovered an ancient secret weight loss recipe!

For only 9.55 you too can learn how to lose weight quick!

This method involves NO EXERCISE, and NO EXCESSIVE DIETARY RESTRICTIONS!

Fuck tits! you know I'm excited cause I wrote that in caps lock!

By following this easy 5 step formula you too can gain that lovely body shape you have always desired:


Step 1: Breakfast:
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day it makes up 25% of your daily nutrition intake! We don't know why that's so special as it leaves 75% between lunch and dinner but whatever, don't question your parents.
You can have WHATEVER YOU WANT FOR BREAKFAST as long as it's *Insert exotic fruit/vegetable here* HOLY TITS YOU CAN EVEN HAVE MORE THAN ONE! but no more than three.


 Sweet Sweet Babies

Step 2: Lunch:
Have ANYTHING YOU WANT for lunch. Just stay away from fried foods, and only eat till you feel 8/10th full.. No dessert for you, you chubby double chinned man baby!


ANYTHING!

Step 3: Dinner
Have WHATEVER YOU WANT FOR DINNER just make sure it's a light dinner and don't eat right before you sleep, try not to eat after 8pm you fatass


Though not part of the diet, burger baths are awesome!

Step 4: Drinks

Only Drink water or diet beverages and only do so in small sips. Keep drinking as much as you can. You can have the occasional wine or whiskey but stay the fuck away from beer, that dude is one bad mofo.

Step 5 :  Snacks

HOLY FUCKING TEARS COMING OUT OF MY EYES! YOU CAN HAVE SNACKS TOO! Sure you can! Two snacks a day, a snack is anything you can buy for a dollar.



This qualifies as a full meal not a snack

Step 6: What the fuck are you retarded! I said there were 5 steps.


Follow this diet for 2 months and I can guarantee that you will lose some weight ... maybe.



This Diet is patented by the Bazella W Riz foundation.



Vault:



Saturday, November 28, 2009

Happy Indecrapdence Day!

Let's get serious for a bit:


Dead Serious

Yesterday I was driving home fresh out of a furry orgy at some guy's house, when out of the side-walks a masked vigilante dressed in green ran into the street! I quickly swerved to avoid the man and as I glanced into my rear-view mirror I saw him pick up a paper from the street and dodge oncoming traffic back to the pavement.

If you don't live in Lebanon or if you're totally oblivious, or if you've lost the use of your eyes, I'm talking about the workers for the Sukleen company who make sure that our country is clean and that we look good.


The real patriots


Not only do they have to wear the most ridiculous costumes which make them look like the French foreign legion, but they sit on garbage trucks all day breathing the fumes with no discernible protective gear and no health insurance as far as I know.

They receive minimum wage which is about 500 dollars a month and they are treated as non-persons by the community they serve. The fact is that the Lebanese are not getting cleaner, these guys are just getting better at cleaning our messes.

A few days ago was Lebanese independence day, and after the masses of Lebanese went outside to declare their pride in being citizens (guess who wasn't with them), the streets were left in a flood of litter and garbage. You can guess who cleaned up after them.

We don't deserve the Lebanese Citizenship! At least these people work their asses off, and have more motivation and job dedication than any Lebanese person I know (how many of you would risk your life to pick up a snickers wrapper in the middle of the high-way) Lebanon is built on their backs, and we treat them like garbage!

And what really twists my nipples even more is that some Lebanese people have the audacity to say that They should be thankful to us! Why? Because we are creating jobs by being filthy! Well, that's as retarded as saying that we should get people to wipe our asses for us to create more jobs! (more on that in another post)

So on the occasion of Lebanese indecrapdence please remember those who make it possible for you to exist, and who save you from wallowing in your own filth.


Vault:


Friday, November 27, 2009

Happy Adha

Alright! I'm excited, are you guys excited?

In the annual killing of sheep celebration I would like to wish you all a very good Eid and I hope you will have a good day with your grandparents. After all it won't be long before they are either too senile or too dead for you to play awesome tricks and pranks on them.


Sheep


On another note :


This Adha....

The tables have turned!


The sheep have had enough, and in a one day sacrificial rampage no human will be safe.



Adha Mubarak Everyone!

Thursday, November 26, 2009

I'm thankful too!!

I'm thankful for


Ok this is a bad day, I'll be thankful tomorrow.
Oh, I'm thankful I'm not the guy in the vault picture below! or the guy in the chair under him!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving!

Ah Thanksgiving! A holiday meant to celebrate the merciless massacre of Indians and the birth of the greatest country in the World. America!


pictured above: one suave motherfucker

But that is not all that this holiday is about. It is also about recognizing what you have and being thankful for it. So this thanksgiving I will be listing a few things I'm thankful for.




I'm Thankful I'm not an orphan,
I'm thankful I'm not an amputee.
I'm thankful I'm not a quadriplegic,
I'm thankful I don't have an ugly face,
I'm thankful my uncle didn't rape me,
I'm thankful I'm not Michael Jackson,
I'm thankful I am not a Woman,
I'm thankful I don't have to sell my body for food,
I'm thankful I'm not blind,
and finally, I'm thankful I'm getting drunk while your reading this post. That is damn awesome.






Vault:


Thursday, November 19, 2009

I can't look at the vagina post any longer

I wish sometimes that time was not fluid, that i could stop it and look at it and escape from it or from life for a bit. It just seems that time goes faster than me sometimes and I can't do anything about it. The present is only the present for a second and then its already past. And If I'm too tired to do something about something right now its already too late and the more I'm late the more time passes and the more its late.
I just mean that sometimes its a bit sad how time passes by so fast not only because its fast but also because its irreversible and then the past is gone and its sometimes its so gone its like it never existed. And since we can never stop and never slow down and never pause and never go back then we're always moving forward and the only thing to hope for is the future so the past is nothing and it means nothing and it can do nothing and in a way its not even there anymore.
So then its useless and meaningless and then our whole lives are meaningless or not as important as we think because we live in a present that will be past in a second and then this past doesn't matter anymore when it becomes past because the only thing about to happen is the future and even that is not important because by the time it comes it will be past.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Hop in my Giant Vagina!

So like any typical Saturday morning, I spent this one looking up images of giant vaginas on  google. And then I came across this:






Some crazy feminist in Finland thought it would be a good idea to exercise twice a week by riding a bike around the city. But the time she spent exercising was time spent away from nagging Men in a really annoying voice about the role of women and the oppression of the labels of gender.

So she decided, what the hell, lets strap on a giant vagina on my bike and i'll give strangers rides around the city!

Even if I overlook the fact that this crazy ruined sex for me forever, I really don't see what message she is getting across. Unless its a commentary as to how Women are only good for getting men around, this giant vagina clearly belongs to a giant person who misses it deeply. I think it's about time we rid ourselves of prejudices against giant people and we live in a more tolerant world where women know their place. Shame on you Nazi feminist! Shame!



Vault:

Thursday, November 12, 2009

The do's and don'ts of Diarrhea

It has been the scourge of the spelling world for ages, a serious killer and a fantastic party trick. Yes it's Diarrhoea . My recent sickness has given me an upfront encounter with this fascinating illness. It is responsible for over 2 million deaths a year. That's 5479 deaths a day folks! I almost feel honoured to be hosting such a powerful disease in my body. Through these two days I've come to learn much about my tiny deadly friend as a result I have compiled for your viewing pleasure a list of:


The Do's and Don'ts of Diharrea:





Do take oral rehydration salts
Dehydration is the main reason people die from diharroea, oral rehydration salts will keep you hydrated and healthy until your liquid stream is over.

DO NOT take anal rehydration salts!
Just trust me on this one. It burns.


Do check your shit for blood
Knowing what kind of Dichorena is essential in knowing how to treat it. If you find blood in your stool it's probably a good idea to call a doctor. If you don't then sit it out for a day or two.

Do not check your shit for the face of Jesus
Do you really want to be the person calling the vatican to tell them you saw jesus in your toilet. You'd get the fastest excommunication in history.



Hello, pope? I'd like to report a miracle

Do check your shit for yesterdays lunch
This is one of the most fun and confusing things to pass time when you have dihorrea discovering that you shit out the complete mighty chicken platter you had at roadsters will give you minutes of joyous wonder.


I didn't have any corn!


Do not taste your shit for yesterdays lunch
Need I say more? (I'm looking at you dewey!)


Do stay within 5 minutes of a bathroom
You never know when an "emergency" will strike, the best way to avoid any embarrassment is to keep yourself within a 5 minute trip of a bathroom, and to avoid all long journeys. This experience comes from a painful event when I was 5.

Do not permanently sit on the crapper
We know that dihorrea can be an awful thing, but constructing a fortress of toilet paper in the bathroom is a sure path to death and a wrinkly butt. You want to have a life after your done and getting your butt stuck to the toilet seat kinda alienates your friends.

Do use your time efficiently to create shitty works of art






DO not use your time creatively to create artistic works of shit


100% natural and organic


Do install that computer game you havn't had time to play
The thing about Diarrea is that you have all the time to do the things you used to in school. Mainly blow the living fuck out of Zombies.

Do not download torrents of Porn
Yes it's true, you're not dreaming, lukewarm has actually advised against masturbation in this particular case. The reason is that you're already losing up to 3 litres of fluid a day and exhausting yourself with a marathon masturbation session is only going to make things worse... Unless it's star wars porn... it's ok if you die for that.







Tips from Diharrea basics dot com:

If your rectal area becomes sore because of frequent bowel movements, or if you experience itching, burning, or pain during bowel movements:
  • Try warm baths. Afterwards, pat the area dry (do not rub) with a clean, soft towel.
  • Apply a hemorrhoid cream or white petroleum jelly to the anus.

Vault: