Saturday, November 28, 2009

Happy Indecrapdence Day!

Let's get serious for a bit:

Dead Serious

Yesterday I was driving home fresh out of a furry orgy at some guy's house, when out of the side-walks a masked vigilante dressed in green ran into the street! I quickly swerved to avoid the man and as I glanced into my rear-view mirror I saw him pick up a paper from the street and dodge oncoming traffic back to the pavement.

If you don't live in Lebanon or if you're totally oblivious, or if you've lost the use of your eyes, I'm talking about the workers for the Sukleen company who make sure that our country is clean and that we look good.

The real patriots

Not only do they have to wear the most ridiculous costumes which make them look like the French foreign legion, but they sit on garbage trucks all day breathing the fumes with no discernible protective gear and no health insurance as far as I know.

They receive minimum wage which is about 500 dollars a month and they are treated as non-persons by the community they serve. The fact is that the Lebanese are not getting cleaner, these guys are just getting better at cleaning our messes.

A few days ago was Lebanese independence day, and after the masses of Lebanese went outside to declare their pride in being citizens (guess who wasn't with them), the streets were left in a flood of litter and garbage. You can guess who cleaned up after them.

We don't deserve the Lebanese Citizenship! At least these people work their asses off, and have more motivation and job dedication than any Lebanese person I know (how many of you would risk your life to pick up a snickers wrapper in the middle of the high-way) Lebanon is built on their backs, and we treat them like garbage!

And what really twists my nipples even more is that some Lebanese people have the audacity to say that They should be thankful to us! Why? Because we are creating jobs by being filthy! Well, that's as retarded as saying that we should get people to wipe our asses for us to create more jobs! (more on that in another post)

So on the occasion of Lebanese indecrapdence please remember those who make it possible for you to exist, and who save you from wallowing in your own filth.


Friday, November 27, 2009

Happy Adha

Alright! I'm excited, are you guys excited?

In the annual killing of sheep celebration I would like to wish you all a very good Eid and I hope you will have a good day with your grandparents. After all it won't be long before they are either too senile or too dead for you to play awesome tricks and pranks on them.


On another note :

This Adha....

The tables have turned!

The sheep have had enough, and in a one day sacrificial rampage no human will be safe.

Adha Mubarak Everyone!

Thursday, November 26, 2009

I'm thankful too!!

I'm thankful for

Ok this is a bad day, I'll be thankful tomorrow.
Oh, I'm thankful I'm not the guy in the vault picture below! or the guy in the chair under him!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving!

Ah Thanksgiving! A holiday meant to celebrate the merciless massacre of Indians and the birth of the greatest country in the World. America!

pictured above: one suave motherfucker

But that is not all that this holiday is about. It is also about recognizing what you have and being thankful for it. So this thanksgiving I will be listing a few things I'm thankful for.

I'm Thankful I'm not an orphan,
I'm thankful I'm not an amputee.
I'm thankful I'm not a quadriplegic,
I'm thankful I don't have an ugly face,
I'm thankful my uncle didn't rape me,
I'm thankful I'm not Michael Jackson,
I'm thankful I am not a Woman,
I'm thankful I don't have to sell my body for food,
I'm thankful I'm not blind,
and finally, I'm thankful I'm getting drunk while your reading this post. That is damn awesome.


Thursday, November 19, 2009

I can't look at the vagina post any longer

I wish sometimes that time was not fluid, that i could stop it and look at it and escape from it or from life for a bit. It just seems that time goes faster than me sometimes and I can't do anything about it. The present is only the present for a second and then its already past. And If I'm too tired to do something about something right now its already too late and the more I'm late the more time passes and the more its late.
I just mean that sometimes its a bit sad how time passes by so fast not only because its fast but also because its irreversible and then the past is gone and its sometimes its so gone its like it never existed. And since we can never stop and never slow down and never pause and never go back then we're always moving forward and the only thing to hope for is the future so the past is nothing and it means nothing and it can do nothing and in a way its not even there anymore.
So then its useless and meaningless and then our whole lives are meaningless or not as important as we think because we live in a present that will be past in a second and then this past doesn't matter anymore when it becomes past because the only thing about to happen is the future and even that is not important because by the time it comes it will be past.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Hop in my Giant Vagina!

So like any typical Saturday morning, I spent this one looking up images of giant vaginas on  google. And then I came across this:

Some crazy feminist in Finland thought it would be a good idea to exercise twice a week by riding a bike around the city. But the time she spent exercising was time spent away from nagging Men in a really annoying voice about the role of women and the oppression of the labels of gender.

So she decided, what the hell, lets strap on a giant vagina on my bike and i'll give strangers rides around the city!

Even if I overlook the fact that this crazy ruined sex for me forever, I really don't see what message she is getting across. Unless its a commentary as to how Women are only good for getting men around, this giant vagina clearly belongs to a giant person who misses it deeply. I think it's about time we rid ourselves of prejudices against giant people and we live in a more tolerant world where women know their place. Shame on you Nazi feminist! Shame!


Thursday, November 12, 2009

The do's and don'ts of Diarrhea

It has been the scourge of the spelling world for ages, a serious killer and a fantastic party trick. Yes it's Diarrhoea . My recent sickness has given me an upfront encounter with this fascinating illness. It is responsible for over 2 million deaths a year. That's 5479 deaths a day folks! I almost feel honoured to be hosting such a powerful disease in my body. Through these two days I've come to learn much about my tiny deadly friend as a result I have compiled for your viewing pleasure a list of:

The Do's and Don'ts of Diharrea:

Do take oral rehydration salts
Dehydration is the main reason people die from diharroea, oral rehydration salts will keep you hydrated and healthy until your liquid stream is over.

DO NOT take anal rehydration salts!
Just trust me on this one. It burns.

Do check your shit for blood
Knowing what kind of Dichorena is essential in knowing how to treat it. If you find blood in your stool it's probably a good idea to call a doctor. If you don't then sit it out for a day or two.

Do not check your shit for the face of Jesus
Do you really want to be the person calling the vatican to tell them you saw jesus in your toilet. You'd get the fastest excommunication in history.

Hello, pope? I'd like to report a miracle

Do check your shit for yesterdays lunch
This is one of the most fun and confusing things to pass time when you have dihorrea discovering that you shit out the complete mighty chicken platter you had at roadsters will give you minutes of joyous wonder.

I didn't have any corn!

Do not taste your shit for yesterdays lunch
Need I say more? (I'm looking at you dewey!)

Do stay within 5 minutes of a bathroom
You never know when an "emergency" will strike, the best way to avoid any embarrassment is to keep yourself within a 5 minute trip of a bathroom, and to avoid all long journeys. This experience comes from a painful event when I was 5.

Do not permanently sit on the crapper
We know that dihorrea can be an awful thing, but constructing a fortress of toilet paper in the bathroom is a sure path to death and a wrinkly butt. You want to have a life after your done and getting your butt stuck to the toilet seat kinda alienates your friends.

Do use your time efficiently to create shitty works of art

DO not use your time creatively to create artistic works of shit

100% natural and organic

Do install that computer game you havn't had time to play
The thing about Diarrea is that you have all the time to do the things you used to in school. Mainly blow the living fuck out of Zombies.

Do not download torrents of Porn
Yes it's true, you're not dreaming, lukewarm has actually advised against masturbation in this particular case. The reason is that you're already losing up to 3 litres of fluid a day and exhausting yourself with a marathon masturbation session is only going to make things worse... Unless it's star wars porn... it's ok if you die for that.

Tips from Diharrea basics dot com:

If your rectal area becomes sore because of frequent bowel movements, or if you experience itching, burning, or pain during bowel movements:
  • Try warm baths. Afterwards, pat the area dry (do not rub) with a clean, soft towel.
  • Apply a hemorrhoid cream or white petroleum jelly to the anus.


Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Winter is Here

And so is our new layout.
Well colors, just like winter is not really here yet.

Yasmina is Tired

I'm here, but not really here.
Keeping this blog alive is turning out a more arduous task than I had initially envisioned, turns out its not so easy to produce something one thinks is of meaning that often.
I've started another blog, where I just post pictures, things I'm doing for my courses, things I look at and I want to remember, bref, a visual summary of my thought process for the day, and that is so much easier. It turns out there are hundreds of sites designed to allow you to look at information, or articles, or products, or ideas being put out there, or whatever you want to call it, to like the things you look at, reblog them, save them, or keep them somewhere safe where the rain, the sun and the bombs won't harm them, aka the virtual space of the web. This means that everyday you could spend hours just browsing through a countless list of websites, other people's saved items, other peoples posted items, etc etc etc...
But then what I'm wondering is, ok we're in the age of information, ( Ha! Blake thought they were in the age of information in 1800 ) and we have all these resources and all these technological tools and all the access to them and more than enough food for thought, or is that what we're meant to believe? Sure we look at this stuff everyday and keep it and absorb it and rape it and whatever, but what are we really learning in the end? When there's so much coming into our brain what percentage of it is really sticking? and anyway when there's so much of it out there, what kind of value does it have anymore?
Before the web and the internet and connectivity and sharing information, there were books, there were thinkers, there were paintings, and there was the world out there and that was already much more than anyone could ever fully absorb in one lifetime, but at least it seemed finite, accessible, or at least there was an agreement on what was valuable enough to learn and look at and what wasn't. Today it seems to me that there's been so much added to this pool of "knowledge" but without any censorship, that I'm not sure anymore, whether our age of "information" is really about information, or just the pretense of it.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Lukewarm is sick

Sorry for the lag. I've been busier than Obama in  a bullet dodging contest held by Glen Beck.

I'm coming down with something wicked. My head hurts, my eyes are heavy, I have blurry vision and my ears are on fire. (That last part was done intentionally).

Most people would look on this situation with pessimism but not me!

I realize that I've been granted a golden opportunity to get thinner!

 I miss you penis :(

I'm officially going into hibernation for the day. Too bad  I will miss Maya Zankouls visit to AUB but I've been long due in reuniting with my nether regions.

So dear reader, after finishing my last cup of warm goat blood, I bid you adieu for at least a day.

Friday, November 06, 2009

Do you love your pets?

Are you a religious God-loving person?

Do you take comfort in knowing that you have lived your life according to the religious laws, and that when the time comes you will be rewarded with eternal salvation?

Does it bother you that your beloved family pet, will be stuck on a fiery doom bound earth with no one to take care of them after the upcoming rapture?

Worry no more friend!

Eternal Earthbound Pets have an answer to your problems.

They have contractually found Animal loving atheists who are willing to cater to your pets long after you have passed on to bask in the holy light of our god and saviour!

Pictured Above: One of our committed employees hard at work

let's just google animal lov... oh dear.

For a small fee you too can enjoy a stress free eternity knowing that back on earth the sinners are being put to good use taking care of those left behind!

You can now enjoy the tormented screams of all those who didn't hear your dickish calls to reform in the park without having to worry about any beloved soulless pets that have remained behind.

If anyone in Lebanon would like to come to an agreement please do not hesitate to contact me.


Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Surprising Offer!

I was given a pamphlet outside AUB today offering fantastic surprise gifts with every laptop!

Now every society reaches a point when you just know that you've hit rock bottom, when companies start giving out mice and movie tickets to get you to buy their laptops then it's pretty clear that somewhere things have gone terribly wrong.

Pro-tip Multi-media megastore, people want to buy laptops because they're fucking laptops, and throwing in a 10 dollar mouse to sweeten the pot isn't going to win you that many customers.

Why not focus on selling cheaper shitty hardware from China instead of giving out stocks of mice that you tried to push on people and no one wanted so you're now giving them out with laptops!



Monday Night thoughts

The Bucket asked "What is my purpsoe?"
I told it "you are meant to carry water from one place to another"
It said "I don't believe you"
I said "ok"
The End

She's the kind of girl with breasts so big it gives her back problems.

Why is it that all of recent ideologies are focused on productivity of some kind. Catholics are focused on making more kids, capitalists focus on making more profit etc... There is a general consensus that life is about achieving shit, when one dies he is judged not by how he feels but what he has done.
That is horrible
Why are they not aimed at satisfaction and human happiness. These things are tossed aside as mistakes. But they should be the true measure of a life well spent. Cocks


Monday, November 02, 2009

The Changing Face of Beirut

Lebanon, and Beirut in particular, is defined by its lack of a single identity, by the influence of diverse cultures and civilizations that have inhabited it, by the juxtaposition of ancient Roman ruins, old traditional garden houses, modernist apartment buildings, and new soaring glass towers.
The “Lebanese Traditional House”, a building type that emerged during the period of the French mandate, and spread throughout the country in different variations from 1920 to the mid 1940’s, is perhaps the oldest remaining form of habitation, and one of the most important testaments to the rich culture and history of Beirut.
Characterized typologically by a Central Hall, around which rooms branched out in enfilade, and built from “Ramle” Sandstone, the Traditional Central Hall House recalled the Ottoman courtyard houses, but was also emblematic of Lebanese hospitality and rituals of communal living. The reception areas (central hall with two rooms on either side) were lit by a triple arcade on the South and North facades, providing ample light, heat in winter and cross-ventilation for the summer months. The bedrooms were lined on the east, for proper exposure to the morning sun. The kitchen and bathroom occupied the western side, the Southwest prevailing winds carrying the smells away from the house.
In the city, the traditional house was a bourgeois, single-family, Marseille-imported red-tiled roof construction, adorned with colored glass and Italian marble patterned tiles in spacious garden plots.
Soon, this type spread to the mountain villages, adapting itself to the topography, the climate, and the income level of its inhabitants. The elements were the same, a load-bearing Central hall, thick insulating stone walls, high ceilings, stone arcades and wooden shutters, but each house was different, no two Lebanese houses could ever look exactly the same.
With the growth of the city and the arrival of concrete, the Lebanese traditional house morphed into an apartment building, layering 4 or 5 central hall apartments that began to adapt in plan to the changing social customs of the society and to inspire typologically what residential architecture in Lebanon would become.
Yet these old Lebanese houses, in all their forms, were much more sustainable, luxurious and flexible than the new, cheap, cramped apartments and buildings built today.
The charm and eclecticism of Beirut is rapidly vanishing as every day several of these old structures are being demolished in order for developers to construct out-of-scale generic towers, saturating the city with 10 million dollar apartments that no Lebanese can afford. Today Lebanese businessmen, artists and old bourgeois families are struggling to preserve these old buildings, turning them into museums, offices, nightclubs, restaurants, or keeping them as luxurious villas. The richness of these constructions lies in their beautiful spatial qualities, their durability, in their ability to accommodate the climate change, and their immense flexibility, which incites every artist, architect or sensitive citizen to desire inhabiting them, myself included.
Sadly, I often wonder whether by the time I have enough money to buy one, there will still be one left erect.