*Urgent* Scientist finds Earth's gravitational pull increased on Feb 1st

*Breaking News*

A physicist from the CERN facility in France recently reported a spike in the level of Earth's magnetic weight. It is believed that the spike stems from a sudden increase in mass.

The spike has affected the Earth's orbit and appears to have created a new planetary path that has pushed the earth in an elliptical pattern a few Kilometers closer to the sun.

 

Shit!

According to the Max Plank Institute for Astrophysics, who posted an urgent warning on their website, the shift is going to cause monumental damage to everyone on earth. It is expected that most existing satellites will be lost, and that our relationship with the moon will be a little more "irregular".

When looking into the source of the astronomical change, it was found to have occurred around noon on Monday and to have surprisingly originated in Lebanon, particularly from one man.

This man:

Ex-Prime Minister Salim, A.K.A. "Potato Sacks", Hoss

It appears that on Monday, shortly after 12:00pm, Salim El Hoss issued a statement calling out the right hand of God on the Lebanese territories Grand Mufti Rachid Qabbani.

El Hoss reportedly read out the statement asking the Mufti to explain allegations of fund embezzlement, in a calm and deep voice, before turning around dramatically, with coat tails flapping in slow motion, to stare down God himself. Our one true maker who had returned from his age long slumber by the sheer ball dropping awesomeness of Hoss's act, was so awe struck that he exclaimed Medamn!

Excuse me mister Prime Minister sir but could you please move your balls off my feet!

Eye- witnesses claim that after a riveting 30 second staring contest during which the soundtrack for requiem for a dream started playing spontaneously in the background, God averted his gaze from the mighty Hoss and ascended in a majestic burst of white light, humiliated back to heaven. At that point the floor boards beneath Hoss began creaking and it is said that the size of his balls grew by more than ten-fold.

The massive increase in mass destabilized the Earth's orbit and has since left us hurtling towards a fiery painful death.

When contacted for a comment on the event Hoss smiled at reporters stared into the sky and said "bring it".

Efforts to reach God have remained unsuccessful, the deity has reportedly shut himself in a round room and is crying in a corner. In related news it is believed that Grand Mufti Qubbani was erased from the very fabric of space time in a purpley puff.

Vault:

Salim El Hoss in his younger days as an Econ teacher:

YEAAAAAHHH!