Thursday, February 11, 2010

Valentines day

We're already well into February and it seems that all everyone's talking about is Valentines day. For the uninitiated Valentines day may seem to be a commercial holiday created purely to spite single people into killing themselves, but for the rest of us, we realize what Valentine's day is really about ...

 This took 5 hours in MSpaint

Now most guys will want to get their girls flowers, and that's all fair and well, in fact there is a pretty cool campaign going on at Ivysays, but if you really want to leave a good impression ie: get her into bed quicker, you may want to follow these tips:

Ofcourse you may also choose to stay in this valentine

Read her Poetry:
Now we here at Bazella w riz feel as confused as a girl getting her first period by poetry, but for some reason when women hear poetry, no matter how sappy or disgusting, they see the speaker transformed into the man of their dreams, or an electric dildo, or both. And you want to be that person.
Try some of these quality BazellaWRiz patented verses:

Roses are red
Pickles are green
I like your legs
and what's in between.

Girl I need you like an orphan needs a mom,
Girl I need you like Bush needed Saddam
Girl I need you like a kidney stone patient needs to pee
Girl I need youuuuu to be with meeeee.

 Make her Dinner:
The biggest concern in valentines' day is not blowing your entire monthly salary on one night. One important way you can avoid this and still get laid is by cooking her dinner at home. Unless your date is 12 years old, sticking some ramen noodles into a pot is an unacceptable thing to do, if she is 12 then you have way worse problems than finding something to cook on valentines day. Try doing something easy like buying some steak and some wine, stick some fresh vegetables in a pot and boil them. I'd advise staying away from seafood and garlic.

Take her to a supermarket:
Some of you may laugh this option off as a practical joke, but taking your girl to the nearest supermarket and setting her loose will be the best thing you never thought of. Women love to shop, and we all have a secret yearning to go wild in the supermarket. She will love your initiative and you can have a great time getting lost between the endless aisles. Based on personal experience the best place to hide is in the diaper section. After you're done you can let her buy anything she wants and you can go home and have that dinner we talked about.

Light some candles:
 Girls love ambiance, by getting some scented candles and spreading them across your house you can have her melting like butter. If you still live with your parents it's even better because you can pretend you worship Satan and your parents are none the wiser. the benefits of candles is that you can use the candle wax for some sweet sweet S&M later.
Don't go to the website it's a bad bad place

Make your own gift:
Here is a game I love to play. Leave out clues in the house with each one leading your girl to another. Start some place you now she will be then lure her out to the garden or street. Then kill her. um.. wait no, don't kill her. Give her your gift. Kill her on some other occasion. Girls love crap you just glued together using your 5 year old brothers pencil case, make a nice heart with glitter hell I don't know just put some crap together and call it art, she'll go crazy for it.

You can also embed hidden messages

That's all you guys need to know for now. Now go out there and have a great valentines day, and if you don't have a date, remember, there is always chloroform! If you put in a little effort you may start to look forward to valentines night just as much as she doesn't!



Yasmina said...

altho it didn't sound like you so much this time...

lukewarm said...

What does that even mean!

poshlemon said...

This is freakin' amazing! So funny. I don't comment here but I do follow you. Excellent blog :)

lukewarm said...

Oh wow! Thanks! :)

mas said...

That pickles are green poem is a killer!!

Maya said...

Luke, i know i said this before, but i love your sense of humour :D
Loved this post! Best valentine post ever!

faisal said...

lol, great post.

lukewarm said...

Thanks for the comments you guys, and Maya I'll never get tired of hearing you say that :)

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