Sunday, January 31, 2010

Things My kids will never be turned on by (unnaturally)

5. Short repeated clips

Just 10 more times should do it!
When I used to be a kid, the internet speeds weren't what they were today. We didn't have any of that DSL shit so we had to make do sometimes with the same 5 to 10 second clip over and over and over again. So today whenever I hear a quick clip repeated over and over and over, I uncontrollably develop a boner. With the new internet speeds my kids will never experience the pleasure of anticipation as they stare at the percentage of each second downloading from the windows 95 browser.

4.pixelated/scrambled images

Richard Nixon is so hot!

I moved around a few houses back as a kid, and I only got a good porn channel in one of those houses. In the other places I had to scan between the channels to pick up fuzzy images of what I thought were naked women. Later it turned out it was some tv show presenter, but I guess attraction is all in the mind. To this very day when I see something that looks like a body on a scrambled black and white channel I get turned on. My kids will never know the pleasure of illegal cable, they'll probably have my parental lock cracked in less than a week and enjoy crystal clear titties on their LCD screen in our dumpster house.

3. 2-bit Mario princesses
Flash those calves you dirty pile of electrons!

When the game-boy came out in 1995 it was THE SHIT! unfortunately we didn't have backlights like today's kids do so we could only play during the day. But I still remember my early teen self having quite a few dreams involving princess peach and bowser. Oh shit there's nothing like a good imagination to get the juices flowing :D. In the future my kids will be immersed in 3D environments donning air pressure suits, and will have games that leave little to the imagination. 

2.Magazines and stuff on paper

This image was the first thing I ever printed. It got me through many lonely nights

My parents always told me, just before they tucked me in at night, that a playboy magazine used to mean something. That back then discovering a stash of centrefolds would have made you a reputation on the playground that'd get you through high-school. Hell even I remember printing out pictures on my old black and white Epson and stashing them under the mattress. I guess in that respect my generation straddle the border of innovation. The computer age came by fast and before you knew it, we were huddled around a laptop on the football field fighting to get a glimpse of some hardcore action which some kids older brother gave him on a CD he got. Ah good memories. Inanimate pictures, they don't even move!

1. Smell of Palmolive soap

No comment on this one.




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Friday, January 29, 2010

Lukewarms goes on a Trip to the south


I went on a trip with my class today to the Lebanese border in the South. It was a one and a half hour ride and when we got there the UNIFIL public relations team debriefed us, after the debriefing there was a Q&A session:

L: So as I saw when I came in you have women in UNIFIL
Amit: Yes UNIFIL prides itself on having a healthy mix of genders and nationalities.
L: So the obvious question now is, have you ever had a UNIFIL beauty pageant?
Carl: Our troops have undergone years of rigorous exercise!
L: so...
Moira: They are all accomplished in the martial arts, and know how to kill a person in seven different ways.
L: right but...
A: They took Peace Keeping training for two years! Most of them have Masters programs and graduated with distinction!
L: and by that you mean ...
A: *sighs in desperation* no we have not had a beauty pageant
L: What! never! (disappointedly turns off camera)  That's ridiculous!
C: No never
L: But seriously the Italians have the hottest women on the base right? Am I right Kumar? Come on I can tell you've thought about it.
 To be fair the Italians do have great 'armor'

A: It's Amit actually
M: I don't think
L: Awww come on Jefferson, you can humour me
A: (shifts in seat and looks to his colleagues on either side)
L: I know you sneak a peek into the lockers every once in a while... come oooon!
A: oh alright, yes I guess if I had to choose I would say the Nepalese are the most attractive.

 (I would later discover that the Nepalese battalion consisted entirely of small fair shaped boys)


L: Oh Johnson! you sly dog you! *winks overtly*
A: My name is Amit!
M and C: (offended looks) Sir I think that/
A: oh shut it Moria, you havn't had an orgasm since Bosnia! (Carl stifles a laugh)
At this point the Q&A devolved into a multinational brawl and peacekeeping forces were brought in to diffuse the tensions.


But seriously here is a quick summary of what they told us:

They said that they were confident in the absence of illegal weapons south of the Litani river, that they were documenting all violations, including the daily Israeli overflights, and sending them to the Security Council. They explained that the Blue Line is based on a 1923 map drawn between the French and British in order to demarcate their separate mandates between Palestine and Lebanon, that this is the border we are still using today, and which Israel has withdrawn beyond. Israel has set up a parameter fence which is south of the Blue Line (which is not a border but a UN made line) The Israeli fence is at times 300 meters away from the Blue Line, and this causes some confusion such as the like that appeared in the media a few months ago about the UN demarcation outposts, and when shepherds cross the blue line inadvertently from both sides.

When asked about the impending war in Lebanon the team laughed and said that it's just speculation.  Considering that UNIFIL has contact between the Lebanese Armed Forces and the IDF, I guess they only have half of the story. One important commitment by the UN is that if a war does happen they won't be leaving, I feel safer already.
If any UNIFIL forces chance upon this I'm just kidding, I know many people have died in UNIFIL and I am grateful for your efforts.


Today I also learned that there are some things you can only learn as you grow older. It's impossible for me to go back and teach my young self some of my life lessons which I learnt, one of which I acquired today, that sucks. As I stood on the ridge with a fence and a trench separating me from Palestine, I got the weirdest feelings. I mean here we were standing a few meters away talking about technical cooperation and positive attitudes as if things could ever work out. Reality brings a rude shock to the past months of reading and study into the conflict, I mean at the end of the day lives move on. I looked into the town in the valley across feeling a mixture of yearning to cross as I felt entrapped behind the fence, and a sense that there too I belong, that the barriers are arbitrary distinctions set up by colonial old White men with awesome moustaches, that so many have bled on the land I was standing on. I really wish I could describe it more accurately but it was a mix of yearning and guilt and confusion all at once, like it was a foreign country but still similar. I wish I could say I gained clarity but all that happened on top of that hill made things more complex. That wasn't my life lesson though, I got those same feelings when I was looking at shemale porn, no, what I learned was that even professors have emotions and that sometimes their awkward high-school alienation shows through and though they may be experts in one field, they are not authorities in all fields, and this took me all of my years to learn. Anyway, if I can leave any message after all of this assuming you even continued reading this far  it would be that at all borders are evil and our states are all fake.


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Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Lukewarm Ehtiopian Air-line crash

It was a gusty day as I was taking a brisk walk down the beach with my jacket flapping behind me. The wind was whipping salt sea spray into my eyes, it stung.People on the beach were scavenging for pieces of the plane, wallets, toilet seats, Plastic. Tanya Mhanna is on TV talking about helicopters lifting decapitated bodies, a psychologist on Manar talks about the importance of seeing the body for the grieving process, Zaven still looks like a gay pedophile if that makes any sense. Families of the deceased are told to submit their DNA for compatibility tests. People sound off comments on how the blackness of the pilot is at fault. Sounds like one of my posts, but it's not. You know shit is fucked up when I'm the voice of reason.

How to search for porn in AUB

Go into google image search,

type in boobies

Enjoy


Friday, January 22, 2010

UNLEASH

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I feel so much better now. THANKS.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Get rich quick!

Recently my friend told me that her dream was to become a housewife.You can find her much better blog here. Her reason? She didn't want to work if she didn't have to.

I'm guessing that many of our inferior female blog readers share the same sentiment. What with having two X chromosomes and being less evolved and all, it's easy to see why you would want to give up the hard effort of having independent ideas and just delegate all higher reasoning tasks to a man. To you I have good news.


Mother: Somehow I told you so doesn't quite cut it

The days of lounging around at the Riviera pool, hoping that some overweight cigar smoking business man will take notice of you are over! Marry An Ugly Millionaire dating agency is here to help!

It's as easy as creating an account and choosing one of many available filthy rich yet hopelessly ugly men. No more painful heartache, no more humiliating waxing rituals, no more blind dates with under-age Saudi boys who are visibly disappointed that you are not a man.

Register today and your days of poverty and fear will be over forever!


One of our many happily married couples


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Saturday, January 16, 2010

Haiti brought it on themselves

In a recent T.V. appearance Pat Robertson, some old white fart who almost ran for Republican American presidency in 1988, said that the earthquake in Haiti happened because god was punishing the Haitians for making a deal with the devil to get rid of the French.


I do not envy That news presenter


Now aside from the fact that Pat Robertson has the brainpower of a Fujitsu laptop running Windows ME, just picture the fucking lengths people are willing to go to, to get rid of the fucking French!  A deal with the MotherFucking Devil! More power to you Haitians more power to you! Hell if I had those Smelly, onion loving, pit licking, homeboys in my backyard I'd sacrifice anything to get them the hell out. I'd sacrifice my first legitimate born child to the devil if I had to.



But Wait! there's more! It just came to me that we here in Lebanon were "under the heel" of the French ourselves. And if the Haitians were too primitive to get rid of them without divine intervention, then what of us! And then it hit me! That's why we went through the civil war! Of course! Beshara Khoury and Riad El Solh sitting in two separate Jail cells being interrogated by the French for hours! Only demonic aid could have
gotten them through that ordeal!


Talk or we'll shove this somewhere unpleasant... your mouth!

Anyway One civil war later and we're stilling paying our debt back to the devil. I reckon with the maths done those days we still have about half a million souls due by the turn of this decade. One way or another he's going to get them...


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Saturday, January 09, 2010

The Number one song of 2009...

Is Black Eyed Peas' I got a Feelin. My own prediction came in at number two :'( bummer

Friday, January 08, 2010

Quickie

I know it feels like it's been ages since we've posted but both Yasmina and me are going to be quite busy this week. Still I feel bad for not posting anything for so long so I will leave you with this awesome video I saw on youtube. Also you can now subscribe to the blog by email.