Farewell

To all of our followers RSS subscribers and readers, we sadly inform you that we will no longer be updating this blog. We want to thank all of you for making the year we spent here wonderful and interesting, we had some good times together. We will be keeping the blog online out of sentimentality. Neither me nor Yasmina have any other online projects at the moment, but in case we do we'll be sure to update you. They say all good things must come to an end, that also applies to bad things, and mediocre things, all things in general really, so goodbye and good luck.

Passive Agressive compliments

Those stripes almost make it seem like you're not fat anymore... almost.

That blue shirt really distracts from your horrible face acne

Nice going with that bracelet, I can barely see the horrible scarring on your wrists

Maybe it's the make-up or something but I don't want to kick you in the face today

Keep it up mom.



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One Line Movie Review: Up

Man's wife dies setting him free to go on an amazing adventure. The end.

What is the half life of Uranium?

Nostalgia

Back in the 1990's when the X-Files had more sexual tension than a gender segregated rabbit farm one T.V. show stood out from among a crowd of crappy laugh track comedies, "The Adventures of Brisco County Junior"

With his well chiselled face and tacky one-liners, and his partner/nemesis Brisco and Bowler go out raping and pillaging the shit out of the wild west   being chivalrous.

I'm not sure what jogged my memory about this, Brisco was the best TV role model I ever had. 

Here is to you Brisco county junior.

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Brisco County Junior? Come on!

Dixie: "Look, I want no part of this. I'm not against parenthood as an institution, but I'm not ready to be institutionalized."

Thnakes on a plane

L walks into the living room and notices his brother watching the TV.

L: Oh hey, I didn't know Samuel L Jackson was in a parody of Snakes on a plane
B: (Eyes dead set on the screen) This isn't a parody... this is the actual movie
L: (Taking a seat eyes glued to the screen) What the fuuuu...

15 minutes later
L: uuuu

30 minutes later
L: uuuuuu

1.5 hours later
L: uuuuuuuck


L: That was terrible yet strangely hypnotic.
B: Indeed, let us hold hands and skip gayly into the sunset brotherino.
L: Heydidlydokle

Tralalalalalalaa

The end.


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Bad habits

When I was a wee lad of the age of 5-10ish I used to have a nasty habit of sucking my index finger while plucking and sniffing pieces of wool from a blanket I used to cover myself with.

Now as you can imagine it was quite a concern for my parents (though I do not quite know why) and they wanted me to stop, initially they tried painting my finger with some bad tasting unguent but I kept sucking on, next they took away my blanket but I just kept sucking on, it seemed nothing they did really worked... until one day my mother came up with the genius idea of telling me that if I kept sucking at this rate the little knob on my finger will roll all the way round to the bottom and I will be unable to move it for the rest of my life.

Fuck I thought, maybe it is time to stop sucking, and just like that I stopped. To this day I do not know if that story was a lie or not, and I am still terrified of sucking my finger. Judging from the looks of These people It's probably best that I stopped. *shudders*

Parental lies are a common tool for telling your children what's good for them but at what cost ? For example today I know that my grandfather did not discover boiled potatoes, that finishing my plate wont help starving kids (it'll make it worse by driving up demand), that a witch doesn't live in mansourieh where my Mom can leave us if we aren't good, that a honeymoon does not actually take place on the moon... I can only wonder how many other things I think I know are true but are not, to be sure it did give ample opportunity for the other kids to make fun of me on the playground.

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sweet sassy molassy

It turns out the teenagers of the world were right, unmade beds are better!

In an article published about a week ago "researchers" discovered that leaving your bed unmade would kill off dust mites and leave you  healthier. It was also found that an untidy bed decreased your chances of being called a douche and raised the probability that you would get laid.

When asked for comment the 20 year old scientists said "Far out man, like this is going to change the whole power relationship bra" Experts expect that this small chink in the armor of parental authority, long suffering from the vagaries of self help books and Dr. Phil, may be what ultimately brings down parenting as we know it.

Carol (not her real name) a mother of three voiced her concern that all these studies are jeopardizing her hold over her children "first the beds, next it'll be the toilet seats, before you know it we'll be lucky if they pick up their toys and get potty trained!"

Already several revolutionary groups have formed and dismantled in their parent's basements at the time of publishing. While no official statement has been made yet, we have been informed that possible names for these groups may be "chad's group" "The fart rockets" "dick cock vagina" and "The most awesome group ever".

Sunday's get together

Thank you everyone who helped make yesterday a super fun night. It was a pleasure meeting all of you and I hope we can get together again sometime soon.

Below are some pictures from yesterday:

First we had some cake.

Yasmina wasn't impressed with my choice

Things didn't go so well

We I played some Frisbee and everyone went home

Happy Anniversary

Blog's Birthday

*******Update*******

We'll be there from 7 to 9pm and it's ONE SHOT Per sentient entity.

*******Update end******


Hey everyone!


We will be having a celebration for our one year anniversary on July 4th at Kayan in Jemmayzeh. Drop on by on Sunday night and we'll buy you a shot.

Tell the bartenders "Bazellawriz" and they will give you the shot of your choice.

See you there.

P.S: Look for us in the giant green pea costumes :D

Who's plucking a banjo over here?

Here is something I want to know. How in the fuck do we keep getting more followers?

I swear all I do in this place is throw insults and think of new ways to mix fuck with other words in the English language.

I love you guys, each and every one of you.

 Also this from the vault today:


















This came from here

Advertising. What is the meaning of cool?

A lot of times these advertising agencies use words like cool or hot or I guess any word pertaining to a measure of temperature or temperament. I feel like the gap between the people receiving advertising and the advertisers is never going to be covered in Lebanon. Cool doesn't really describe something that is appealing and attractive any more, sparkly shining diamonds isn't much better (I'm looking at you mix fm)


An example of good advertising is the recent Oldspice manmercials.




You know what I did after I saw these bad babies, I went out and got some damn old-spice. Mother-fucking old-spice! the brand I used to think only my grandfather and scary cat ladies used.

Turns out it's average, just as good or bad as any other product out there trying to fill that market, but goddamn if they keep churning ads like that I'm going to keep buying their shit.

I'm on a horse.



Vault: Real Advertising:

The 5 things that will kill you this summer

Since summer ended last year sometime in September 2009, the Lebanese waters have been host to a number of ghastly disasters. While tourists are looking out for armed gunmen and killer traffic, the real danger is where they least expect it, in the waters surrounding them. (Dun Dun Duuuuuun)



I'm not talking about the fact that we dump our waste (shit) a few meters from where we swim or that the sea is more part old sandals and diapers than it is water, or even the fact that the local slaughterhouses all throw their refuse right off the Dbaye port, (What the fuck is wrong with this country)

No I'm talking about these other non-routine things :



Dead Cows

 moo

Sometime in December 2009 as you were sitting all snug and shit with your family enjoying a warm crackling fire, the choppy waters off the coast of Tripoli claimed over 30,000 heads of livestock and some of the crew members to the depth of the sea. While the nutritious value of the Lebanese water is now  5 times more than a big-mac, the fact that those cows were left to rot on the ocean floor should give everyone reason to pause before they dive headlong into the red waters of the Mediterranean.

Death!

Along with the sharks that all of that bovine meat has attracted, the coastal waters are now squirming with prions waiting to give you mad cow disease with every drop of water you accidentally swallow.

Oil

The United States isn't the only country dealing with oil spill related problems. You see the ship that capsized above, it brought in a whole lot of fuel and oil down with it. In fact so much oil is present in the Lebanese waters some experts are now saying that you don't need cooking oil to get a nice tan, just take a dip in the water. Add to the ship a number of boating accidents, and the plane crash and you get a nice broth of oily liquid to paste your skin with.

experts

Dead People

 I didn't have the heart to put up dead people, here are some playful pups

Speaking of plane crashes, did anyone wonder what happened to all those lost bodies from the air ethiopia plane crash? No they did not magically vaporize, they are slowly being digested in the sea. But with all the cows and sheep the bacteria has more than its fill of corpses to eat away at, so don't be surprised if you come across a floating arm while you're breast stroking in the waters.

Garbage Mountain

 What happens in Garbage mountain Stays in Garbage mountain

On the crystal blue sandy coastline of Southern Lebanon lies a large mountain rising from the landscape. Welcome to the Saida Garbage Mountain. In the winter months the mountain has repeatedly discharged significant amounts of trash into the sea.  So much so that Lebanese trash has now reached the shores of Turkey and Italy and they are at their wits ends as to how to stop the second highest Lebanese export!




The blood of innocent Children
I think this one is self explanatory.

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Oh Italy

Gather round children

We have some important news.

You may have noticed that posts over here have come to a grindingly slow pace in the past month, and we are aware that our one year anniversary is also coming up on the 4th of July! (We hear that they are preparing quite the celebration for us in America). As a result we have come together and decided to put some effort to resume some form of frequent posting.

In fact I have decided to go on a life-changing regimen that should grant me superpowers within the next few weeks.

As you see above in the image with a needlessly large white space at the bottom, I mean business. Though admittedly the fact that I have already failed 70% of the items on the list as I am writing this post does not bode well.

I will do it!

Inspiration for this came from a sketch by stand up comedian Demitri Martin feel free to adopt your own system as you see fit. And now I leave you to finish reading a book and my celebratory bottle of wine for every book I finish reading.

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Haikus

Woke up this morning and these were lying there in my head

Haiku: FUCK

Outside my bedroom
A construction site starts
it is 6 A.M.

Haiku: Lunch

met french-man today
tasted like cheese and pine nuts
Ah! that hit the spot

Byron I am not.

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I don't know who drew or created the text for this, but they are a far superior being than I.

One Line Movie Review: 300

The Persian Empire kills 299 Spartan soldiers creating a footnote in history. The End.

Summer is here

No one ever told me that 22 would be the new 14. I mean what the hell body. I feel like a burning mass of sexual desire, and it doesn't help that wherever I look there are short short clad girls with tight spaghetti string tank tops!

 You've been on question one for 30 minutes!

It was only a year ago when I used to walk with my head down diligently hoping that no one would take note of my existence before I reached my car.

Why is my car buried in sand?

Recently I just can't stop staring! Now I know how annoying it can be to get stared down at by every guy you walk past on the street. I mean what kind of world do we live in when you can't wear your short skirt and fishnet top without getting eye fucked every few minutes.

The fuck y'all lookin at?

Unfortunately we can't all go around pistol whipping people like Sean Connery. Clearly the solution to this problem is to make Lebanese women less attractive. And here I am today to bring you the solution from a man's perspective. I present you with the ugly walk.

See that green thing in the top right corner, that's not it

The next time you find yourself being stared at for being attractive quickly slouch, change your posture, widen your strides, bend your knees and make grunting noises. Hey Presto! I guarantee that you won't get a single guy looking in your direction, maybe forever!

Damn you Lukewarm!

Alternatively you may also want to try the gain 20 kilo approach.


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Irony is

Starbucks running out of coffee. Apparently the factory in Kuwait belonging to Al Shaye3 the famous Kuwaiti mogul who owns everything from H&M to tasty diapers burnt down to the ground. Being someone who does not drink coffee I was not affected by this development and enjoyed my crispy caramel fappucino with the side of guilt and blood on my hands of Columbian orphans. but I can't help but feel that the business of a coffee store that doesn't have coffee won't but be affected by this turn of events. It's weird that this wasn't featureed in any of the news services.

Is this the work of Israeli boycott activists? probably not, they are too busy holding up signs and protesting in the streets in 5 day old unwashed hemp bags.

 Maybe they should try sitting there

That is all.


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Oh God! Look at those thick framed glasses.

Lukewarm Donates blood

L walks into a bustling room and yells "who wants some blood!"

The clamouring masses throng around the half-god half-awesome mortal. "Now now, only one of you can have a part of me *cough*penis*cough* inside them, I guess you guys will just have to fight for it."

Out of nowhere a man brings a gilded chair for me to sit on as I watch the game com-

"Mr Warm! ... Mr Warm! ... It's your turn now"

"huh, what?" I look up and there silhouetted in light is a slightly disgusted nurse prodding me with her foot "damn that is some good water you serve at this facility" I yell in a voice that is needlessly loud.

"umm, That's thinner you're drinking, and you're currently in the janitors closet"

"So I am" I say stoically as I shield my eyes from the bright sterile lights outside.

 Pure Magic

I stumble my way into a white room filled with black patio chairs.

"Alright Mr Warm" Said the Nurse " We just have to ask you a few questions"
"bring it on Nurse babycakes"
Sighing she pulls out a checklist
"So you are O+ is that right"
" It took jimmy and me half an hour to figure out how to do those blood tests and goshdarn if I wasn't O+ 60% of the time"
"60%"
"Ah yes you know if you can't trust your local drug dealer who can you trust? Ey"  I say as I poke the guy sitting in the chair next to me with my elbow "Am I right or am I right?"

"Sir that is a doll the interns practice on"

"So it is" I say stoically, "Damn that's some good thinner"

I'm so fucked right now

"Alright Mr. Warm, If we didn't need blood so bad, I would have thrown you out 5 minutes ago, lets just get this over with"

"Do you regularly use needles that put you in a risk of contracting HIV"
"No"
"Have you recently paid for sex"
"I tried but they don't accept splashmountain coupons"
"Did you recently come in sexual contact with anyone who may have HIV"
"does my hand count"

Though admittedly I do use protection

" Mr Warm If you don't take this seriously we will have no choice but to-"
"Listen nurse baby cakes, your gown is making me so hot right now I may just need to marry you"
"Dude! I'm a balding middle aged man"
"Love knows no bounds nurse baby cakes" I grab for her trying to sweep her off her feet, she is surprisingly heavy in the process I hit my head on a wall.

I wake up later lying on a black couch with my arm hurting like hell. I see a strangely familiar ugly dude walking up to me.
"I see you're finally up, we took advantage of your situation and withdrew your blood while you were out"
"Where is nurse baby cakes" I ask puzzled
"I am nurse baby cakes" he sighs resignedly
Looking him over "So you are" I say stoically "Damn that's some good thinner"
I pick at the plaster pasted on my arm "I must commend you on that fine figure you have sir"

"Normally I wouldn't do this, but you just saved this guys life" He said "His daughter asked if she could meet you, follow me please"

Feeling lightheaded I follow nurse baby cakes to a small room where an aging man is lying in a bed and his daughter is sitting next to him.

" I want to thank you" The woman says in a tired voice "it is because of kindhearted people like you-"

"Alright old dude," I cut her off and lean over the man in the  bed "here is the deal I now own 1/8th of your body, and therefore 1/8th of all profits you make from now till you die will be mine"

The old guy makes some inaudible moaning "also I must warn you of some side-effect of having my blood in your body, don't be surprised if it spends most of its time in your penis giving you raging boners"

Ever since that damn blood transfusion!

At this point a horrified nurse babycakes is catching the fainting daughter, I take advantage of this to seal the deal. "put it there partner" I spit in my hand and give him a long hard handshake breaking some of his fingers so he knows I am no pushover.

Life is good.

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Dark Days have come

Dear Denizens of the Lebanese internet. I am interrupting the regular transmission of Bazella W Riz to bring to you some very sad and deeply disturbing news... The Boobies are gone.

Located between the Dawra and Jal El Dib bridges adjacent to the McDonalds, the boobies which were the highlight of my daily commute to and from work have been destroyed. Beirut Drive By-Shooting reports:

The Horror!

Who could have perpetrated such an act? 

Who could have taken the boobies from us?

I am beyond words at this point and my thoughts go out to all the boobie-less commuters in the coming days. 

Three Suspects are under suspicion for this crime.

1. Radical feminists:

2. Radical Religious Fanatics

Oh yes, I went there.

3. Radical Seagulls

  Mother-fucking Sea-gulls

The dark hands of intolerance to awesome boobage have struck again. We shall remember this day with  a commemorative mural and a quote from the founding fathers. May your days see better boobies.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and Boobies.

 You are all under abreast! YEAAAHHH!

Habibi

I'm always weirded out when Lebanese people who I hardly know call me Habibi. I mean it's ok when your grandmother calls you Habibi, but when the clerk at the store you bought chocolate from thanks you using this loving appellation it can get kind of awkward.

Take for example this sweet old lady sitting in her dimly lit shop, You pay her for your purchase and she replies "merci habibi"

Or some guy on a mobilette on the intersection "Yalla Habibi!"

Or the guy who jacked your car and your meeting in bekaa "Habibna!" (plural?)

Or the bank teller telling you its your turn "tfaddal Habibi"

A caveat of the Habibi rule is that it is NOT OK to kiss an attractive woman just because she calls you her lover. Good thing sexual harassment laws haven't come far in this country.

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What your email carrier says about you

What your email carrier says about you:

You created this account sometime in the early 1990's and have been using it since then. In your inbox you have forwards from your grandmother lying right next to porn site subscriptions you made all too hastily in your youth and now have no idea how to get rid of. You are too attached to your first e-mail address which all your friends know you by to risk changing to anything else, although in retrospect hammer_dick347 may have been one of the worse decisions you made over the years.




In 1995 you were the shit, you were a cutting edge hipster donning air-jordans watching MTV and shoving younger kids into trash cans in your free time. Today you still live under the impression that nothing has changed, but just like those tattered air-jordans, your life smacks of a nostalgic simpler age, when you used to be cool and people respected you.




Gmail:
You are up to current internet trends and feel smug about it. Carry on




Hello Grandma! I see your computer is back from the shop. I hope you are enjoying your windows 95 Internet Explorer 6 enhanced experience. It's only a matter of minutes before another virus takes you offline for the next 6 months. It's been nice chatting to you.



 





You are a vegetable.

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