Septemebr cometh

As some of you may have noticed the month of September is fast coming, and being the only month that starts with an S I have decided that the entirety of September shall be a no swear month.

Now don't think you will be better off for it and know that I look forward to February!

On another note, my quest to find a job has yet again proved fruitless. Partially due to the fact that this quest is performed almost completely in my bedroom on my laptop.

I am feeling a bit frustrated especially when in retrospect I realize I have next to naught in skills to show for. It has been 2 months since I have last been employed, and a good 20 years since I've been born and my best skill remains my perfect white smile.

and the ability to pull off the smug asshole look

Most career options have turned out to be dead end streets. It's obvious from this blog that a career in writing or creative works is doomed to failure, I have no mechanical savvy, and my social/people skills are to say the least mediocre.

pictured above: average response to my attempts at human interaction

I don't want to end up serving tables especially since I already have a degree. What's really frustrating is finding out that in order to find work you need contacts, and connections, and to put it frankly I'm as connected as a limbless war orphan.


That's just depressing, well this is also depressing but not in the same way.


The Vault:

Sperm Free Chewing Gum!

I was listening to the radio today and I heard an ad for chewing gum being marketed as Sugar free!

No fucking shit! That's like saying that the local swimming pool is cholera free, or that your hypodermic needles are sterile.

I think we're past the point when sugar free chewing gum blew people's heads off. Waaay past.

Hell at this point you could sell your chewing gum as being made with real sugar and still get a bigger boost in sales from saying that it's sugar free. Seriously the boat on Sugar free gum being a marketable attribute has sailed. Hell it's already sunk and is resting at the bottom of the pacific atlantic with the fucking titanic.

So for next time remember marketing department, some things deserve to be retired.

Now having some hot girls walk around sponsoring your product, that still works!

Vault: A REAL marketing tool

Fresh young boys o_o

Mechanique

I recently did my car's annual check up or "Mechanique", and let me tell you I was pleasantly surprised by how organized and orderly the whole thing was.

Even though I came in early in the morning and it being Ramadan and everyone being engorged I was still expecting a reception of chaos and anarchy, what I saw was the complete opposite.

Chaos according to google images

At this point I think it's a good time to pause and say "Great Job!" Way to go on a job well done, take a bow.

So I passed my car for checkup and turns out the fumee glass the previous owner had installed at the rear windshield had become illegal. I went out of the mechanique place to one of the many nearby Car Mechanics.

After charging me the hefty price of 20 dollars for the removal of what essentially was a huge black sticker from the rear windshield, I realized that I didn't have enough on me to pay him. When I asked him where the nearest bank was he pulled up his white mobilette and said hop on.

And on we went zigzagging through the streets, while I clung to him in what I perceived to be the least homoerotic way possible. From Hadath to Haret Hreik it must've been a good 10 minutes before we reached the banks.

I jumped down got the money and got back on. We took the long journey back and what do we see upon turning the final corner to go to his garage, a bank right there within 10 minute walking distance. It's a good thing I didn't notice it before though otherwise I wouldn't have gotten that endearing smell of sweat on me.

Anyway I pay the guy take the car back and pass the mechanique for this year. I still have a $50 fee left to pay at the bank but that I can do anywhere.


Vault:
I now realize that I havn't sworn much in this post so fuck shit tit piss ... motherfucker 0_0

**Spain vs Lebanon** Deathmatch edition

I know many of you have been disappointed that we have not been updating as frequently, but let me tell you that for the past two weeks I have been on an intensive worskshop on how to blog better just for you guys, and totally not on a vacation.

So before starting out, let me warn you that this will be a long post so you might want to put some popcorn in the microwave, or some kittens in the oven while you read, that way you'll either have a tasty snack when your done or some popped corn. ZING!

In order to set some context to this showdown let me get some things I've been wanting to say off my chest first.

The sun in Spain is the same in Lebanon, those poems about how it's different are absolute BULLSHIT!

Flight: Some-time during the annual meeting of airline companies someone came up with a brilliant idea of telling passengers tiny tidbits of information mid-flight. That someone was Satan's minion and ever since passengers have been shitting their pants. On my flight the captain personally took the microphone and after finishing his karaoke of "eye of the tiger" informed us that we are currently flying at 10,000 motherfucking meters above sea level, and going at the breezy speed of 800 ball busting kilometers per hour. Motherfucker! Thanks a lot captain I'll be sure to sleep easier with that information!

Compliments of Check Airlines

As for the quality of the flight, it is a sad sad sight to see what airlines have been reduced to. I remember the first time I rode a plane, we had a flight attendant named Rupok, who was friendly and gave me and my two brothers each a big ass plastic container of candy and Pepsi. Man I loved that guy, he is probably the best flight attendant ever, Rupok I miss you man.

In Spain I also saw an old guy's heart attacking him. He was walking on two crutches making his way up the pavement I was on the other side of the road, I saw him struggling to get the crutches off the tarmac and onto the pavement. He began shaking violently and soon started shivering all over. A Spanish dude came to his aid hugged him and settled him down onto the pavement while his wife went to call for help (GAY!). At this point I thought I could be of no use to this scenario so I went for a swim.

Finally when you need to travel pack light, all you need is some swimwear and a big stick to hunt shit with and that 99.9% disinfectant stuff.

Now on to the stand-off!!


Vault:

Am I not a pervert?

I take pride in knowing that I am a pervert. I am one of those people that seem to find sexual excitement anywhere I look, I mean I can actually get off by merely looking at a fucking power outlet!

"oh yeah baby!"

Recently something happened that made me question my status, this has me deeply concerned, shocked to my very core even. I could always take comfort in my being a pervert. It was one of the constants of my life. Now ... I just don't know.

The reason I'm saying this is because well, I recently went to a public beach in Spain, and as I was settling down to enjoy the sun on my towel I look up and I'm confronted by a set of fucking titties! At first I'm like holy shit fuck! Then after looking around I realize that many women had opted to go topless.

Now you must understand after spending countless hours as a teenager struggling to get a peak of some massive mammaries on Lebanese swimming pools and beaches, this was a scene straight out of my youthful fantasies.

But then to my shock and horror after surveying the beach for a bit, I realized that there was nothing sexual about the titties! It was like, fuck! Now that they are out in the open they're not that exciting! I was so frustrated! I mean there were the titties I had so coveted for years and I wasn't even getting a little Charlie Dixon in fact the fucker acted all cool and was like meh fuck this shit!

Shit!@&# fuuuuck!!!!,

I didn't give much attention to quotes about the brain being the biggest erogenous organ but turns out they are right. I lay down on my towel surrounded by topless women wondering whether at that moment a small part of me had died.

Guess Islam had this one thing right, If you want to increase sexual enticement cover up the women, it'll be much more exciting. Having them run around naked just ruins the fun, fuuuck.



Vault: One of the funniest pictures I have ever seen

**STAND-OFF!!**

Holy fucking shit throwing up in my own mouth

This is how this will go down, each category will have a certain weight on the overall scale of awesomeness determined by myself, at the end we will add up the points and claim a victor and maybe a George.

1. Food (2)
I went to Spain expecting culinary delight of which I have only read of in Chef Ramzi books, instead what I experienced was a taste so mediocre it would have put a hyperactive child to sleep. The sandwiches there are plain, food lacks taste and there is no significant strong cultural link that I established. Sure they have some tasty payella, great Pork meat, and some sweet drinks but other than that the average run of the mill food was below average.

Distinction: while in Spain one of the first things I did was to head off to the closest McDonalds and Burger King, let me say that while they were better than the ones in Lebanon, the Mickey D had better meat and the BK had better veggies, they don't count towards the score for Spain.

The powerful tastes and generous flavoring of Lebanese food clearly come out on top here, and since food is one of the more important items needed to enjoy myself I gave it two points both of which go to Lebanon.

Lebanon: 2 points


2. Music (1)
Many of you who know me know that I have the musical ability of a Goldfish, so this is why this section gets only one point. Now while I enjoy the mind numbing beats on Lebanese radio, they do tend to pale in comparison when set aside the Spanish stations each of which is reserved for a genre. So I could happilly listen to Guns'n Roses on one channel happilly knowing that the Jason Jonas brothers were a click away.

As for local music, I didn't develop any taste for that traditional Spanish stuff although they do have some nice contemp. Rock. Although In Lebanon I have had the privilege to hear some intense stuff from local bands as well, although not on the radio.

What seals the deal for Spain however is that in Barcelona there are people who play music in the metro and on the streets for money, they add a nice touch to the atmosphere and make the music scene in Spain generally more pleasurable.

Spain: 1 point


3. Party Scene (1)
I was fortunate to go to only one clubbing place in Spain, and not the seal kind. I am generally a person who dislikes such places to the greatest degree, the loud throbbing music, and my inability to portray human manoeuvrability do not do me much aid in this area, however even I must admit after seeing the sad state of Spanish clubs that Lebanon is a hundred times superior in this area.

Lebanon: 1 point
4. Beach (1)
The Beach in Spain is awesome (Extra points for linking to my own blog!) The sand is nice and free. What sucks though is that you have to pay for any extra servies such as umbrellas and those plastic thingies you lay down on. On top of that people roam the beach selling beers and massages and free skin disease. While in Lebanon you have to pay for the use of the beach, in most places once in you are able to use the services of the place without fear of having your shit robbed. This would to me net the same result between the two. I am so tempted to throw in the naked titties in favor of Spanish beaches but I will not. As a result the two tie on this part and neither get a point, or both get infinite points multiplied by zero if you wish.


5. Transportation (3)
Upon returning to Lebanon the first thing I realized was how crappy and un-friendly our public and private transportation system was. In spain the trains and busses go up straight to the airport, and a trained monkey could navigate the metro system (I still managed to take a day to get used to it). It is so useful and helpful that it just makes sense in that it makes life easier. Inside the city the metro is amazing and in longer distances the buses are a good deal. Everything is air-conditioned and organized and people respect those who walk. In addition everyone also seems to use a mobilette, even hot girls, many a time I am harassed by the loud buzzing of a scooter only to turn around and see long hair fluttering in the wind, doesn't stop me from silently cussing them but it looks pretty to watch/ That's cause 16 year olds can drive those things over there and while it gives them mobility it also gives them death which if you look at it is a pretty sweet exchange. On a last note the streets are clearly marked as to where pedestrians cross and walk, where bikes cross and go and where the homeless are to lie in despair, that's one sweet deal.

On the other hand Lebanon frustrated me as a driver, pedestrian, and in transportation in general. I can only imagine the harrowing experiences of foreigners who try to get transportation here (oh combo!) The public transportation is awful in quality, and is very unwieldy to use to all but the most experienced user. Pay rates are not fixed and you often end up with some story of how the driver hit on you. Lebanese transportation does have some merits though, being able to hail a bus anywhere you like (thus blocking traffic), and the fact that it is cheaper than in Spain. But with a complete lack of any order it is painfully obvious how badly we need a comprehensive transportation system (Come on misitry of trasport) (Oh and by the way. anyone else see those justice dept ads, what a waste of fucking money. fucking jealousy towards the interior dept, it has to convey a message for it to work fuckwads!)

Anyway I gave this section three points because it is so important for the enjoyment of any country. At first I decided to give Lebanon a point for cheapness, and customisability, but upon looking at the above criteria and spending two days driving here I'm not giving Lebanon any pooints because my nerves are on edge and I'm about to smack a bitch.

Spain: 3 points


6. Hotness (1)
This section is completely subjective so I don't want to hear any bitchin. Now Whilst in Spain I was first stunned by how many gorgeous chicks there were out and about, but then I got around some more and noticed that many of them were tourists, and tourists it seems tend to have a knack for being attractive (Ugly chicks tend to have a knack to stay at home stuffing their faces) Anyway once I got down to it the real spaniards, while having some very fine specimens seemed to all fuck their looks up by getting weird as shit haircuts!

This style sees guys and girls shave the sides of their heads while they wear everything else long. To me it looked ridiculous and while I did get many a good boner in Spain it seems that Lebanese women have more of the hotness factor if just for the amount of time and effort they put into piecing themselves together

By the way check this out (It's cause they are only worth their looks and ugly chicks are stuffing their face while the hot ones stuff other things)

Lebanon: 1 point


7.Order (3)
To me order is one of the most essential things needed to enjoy your time anywhere. To bring the point home as to how ordered Spain was, just imagine that everyone had a dog, and even though it seemed the dog population was equal to that of humans and double in the single lonely people demographic I never saw a piece of shit in the streets!

In Lebanon while it seems that only a select few people have dogs, I can never seem to have a walk down any street without coming across some major dog shit. FUZCK!

Spain also has people who follow laws but lots of people who break them as well. Although in general I felt safer in Spain but I didn't feel very secure. Let me explain, While in spain I was actually pickpocketed of my wallet and passport, but through some quick thinking and reflexes i managed to get them back. In Spain I never felt unsafe but I was always on alert from being pickpocketed. On the other hand, in Lebanon I generally don't have to worry about such trivial things but I do tend to worry about where the next bomb will go off or whether the walls in Hamra can withstand a fucking RPG or celebratory gunfire. So you see it's a different field of order. As a result this section will see the points divided.

Lebanon: 1 point
Spain: 2 points


8.People (2)
People are an essential part of any pleasurable experience. In Spain People tend to stare a lot but once past that they seem very friendly. But they are also not very enthusiastic about sharing their culture, maybe something to do with having too many tourists, so it takes away a bit from your journey.
In Lebanon the reverse is true, people can be too friendly to a degree that they hit on you and offer you marriage dowries. A balance between the two is needed which is why this section will see the points split in half.

Spain: 1 point
Lebanon: 1 point

9. Nature (1)
To some nature is an essential part of every vacation, not to me though, What I appreciated much more was the speedy internet connection (yes prons!) But anyway it so happens that while Lebanon and Spain both have amazing natural landscapes, Spain has been able to organize it better and make it more imposing. I don't know if this is a good thing but it wins Spain a point/

Spain: 1 point

10. Culture/art (2)
While I may seem like a crude and unrefined savage I do enjoy the arts and as a result I gave it two points, (The art of nudity that is! POW!)

While housing great stores of culture called "sex shops" and having an erotica museum, Spain has an additional surprisingly powerful artistic and cultural heritage. It seemed like after the end pof the 1800's Spain got into gear and gave us a whole shitload of great art and artists, like Picaso Gaudi and Dali to mention three. Now of the three Dali was the most mind blowing awesome one of them all and my brain actually came multiple times while at his museum. on the Lebanese side there is dust in the wind.

Spain: 2 points


11. TV (1)
While both have a good repertoire of local TV channels only one country has these TV channels showing whores and titties and good ol fashined sex at night. The closes Lebanese TV got to showing a boob on TV was Marcelle Ghanem on the LBC (Zing!!)

Spain: 1 point

12. Dance (1)
While I appreciated the movie Dabki I still think the dance is retarded when put upon Spanish Flamengo and shit like that. However seeing as I don't give a shit about this section let's pretend it doesn't even exist and divide all points given here by zero. I'm talking about folkloric dances and while the clean no touch approach of Dabki is commendable, and on the other side the sensual movings of belly dancing are bonerific it's not really a fair fight when put up against passionate powerful grips.


13. Tolerance (1) (yeah strippers)
Let me put it this way, Gay parades every wednesday, topless and sometimes bottomless at beaches, and sex shops and local porn. I rest my case

Spain: 1 point


14. Bang for buck (2)
Being a cheap ass like myself getting the best bang for buck is pretty important. The prices in Spain were exorbitant, hell I almost starved the first day cause I couldn't bare paying 20 dollars for a small pizza. Shit man everything there is so expensive and while I stole some fast free internet everything you can pay for costs less in Lebanon so Lebanon gets two points.

Lebanon: 2 points


Result:
Lebanon: 8 points
Spain:12 points


Conclusion: I still have to get the fuck out of here!


Vault:

Time Travel

I am back and will resume updates as usual. Now that July is over and we can say that this blog has been around for a month I can tackle an issue I have been wanting to discuss for some time now.

Did you guys ever watch the time machine (or read for those of you who are so fucking pretentious that they stub their nose at anyone who uses other forms of media and calls them crass, ignorant, feels superior to them, and wears turtlenecks and has a fucking fake accent and who's name is Thomislav)

I'm sure many of you did. Now besides the deep night fantasies of going back in time and having your way with cave-women, or those wet dreams about that hot blonde chick the main character picks up in the future, and who he fucks senseless every night until she turned to oatmeal, there is a somewhat different thought process that sometimes arises in those bored and lazy enough to spend their time thinking "what if" while lying is a post-masturbatory daze on a couch because the remote is too far to reach by merely stretching their arm.

That thought is "what would happen if I went back into the past and got stuck there" (fuck it is at this point that i realize there are actually movies also dealing with this topic but i so wanted to go on about the time machine so that's just the way it is now, sorry Martin Lawrence)

Well, many of us would like to think that with our thousands of years of advancement. and what being in the information age and all, we could outwit our primitive predecessors (No idea why it's spelled this way the english language has no god) and easily come to rule over all of them with our superior knowledge and a predictive foresight of the future.

For those who agree with the above paragraph I invite you to take a look at the following:

Ancient man


Middle Age man

you

Now that you have looked upon these fine specimens notice how in every single combination any outcome of the two of you meeting will end in your timely demise or passionate sex in which you are used as a dildo. Thefirst picture is self explanatory, big spear, big dick, the second picture is more subtle, this man is obviously intellectually superior to you, not every man can sport such a moustache and facial hair in such a way as to be telling you I fucked your mother, and my beauty is beyond your understanding at the same time. He has the twinkle of malice in his eye the malice that will cause him to impale you from your ass to your mouth on that pike he is holding. but what seals the deal though is his faggy ass clothing which would have renderred any other man an immediate target for bullying but not this badass motherfucker this guy could wear a fucking pink tutu and still look manlier than ur pathetic ass, as for the final picture, that is you, in your tender youthful fantasies holding (badly i might add) a plastic sword with which your foe will pick his teeth once he is done with you.

Now that we have established that you will last as long as a battery powered racing car should you feel like giving conquering the world a shot, let us deal with non-human related survival in the past.

All those present who know how to hunt, purify water, pick fruit, or just plain fucking sleep in the woods raise your hands. The fact that you are alone on your computer at this point obviously tells me enough to know that your hand was not raised, it was probably caressing your dick or clutching your asthma inhaler.

On all accounts it would seem that if any of us were transported back, lacking the tools to survive, lacking any tools whatsoever in fact, we would end up screwed.

Well now comes the point when reading this blog pays off. I will save your fucking life. Behold the key to all your fucking troubles :

(Inspirational music):



What you see before you is the key to your survival in the past, courtesy of Bazell W Riz. Following these rules, not being a dick and making sure you end up in a time when they speak English, you may now set upon your merry way of rape and conquest changing the future of the world forever. Remember to thank me when I'm born, buy me some Microsoft stocks or some shit.


**************************************************************************************
On another note Einstein disproved time travel, how you may ask, by looking time in the face and stabbing it with a fucking shib you vagina! Einstein then turned to his fellow scientists declared that time could no longer travel and we can now all live in peace. Good thing too cause Einstein would've fucking kicked your ass had he seen what shoes you were wearing. Pussy!


For more strategies on fucking up time you may also try going back killing your grandfather, fucking your grandmother and giving wedgies to jesus christ.

All's well that ends well

Actually in the future they manage to get time travel back but they are even lazier than we are so no one really bothered.


The Vault a classic: