Monday, August 10, 2009


Holy fucking shit throwing up in my own mouth

This is how this will go down, each category will have a certain weight on the overall scale of awesomeness determined by myself, at the end we will add up the points and claim a victor and maybe a George.

1. Food (2)
I went to Spain expecting culinary delight of which I have only read of in Chef Ramzi books, instead what I experienced was a taste so mediocre it would have put a hyperactive child to sleep. The sandwiches there are plain, food lacks taste and there is no significant strong cultural link that I established. Sure they have some tasty payella, great Pork meat, and some sweet drinks but other than that the average run of the mill food was below average.

Distinction: while in Spain one of the first things I did was to head off to the closest McDonalds and Burger King, let me say that while they were better than the ones in Lebanon, the Mickey D had better meat and the BK had better veggies, they don't count towards the score for Spain.

The powerful tastes and generous flavoring of Lebanese food clearly come out on top here, and since food is one of the more important items needed to enjoy myself I gave it two points both of which go to Lebanon.

Lebanon: 2 points

2. Music (1)
Many of you who know me know that I have the musical ability of a Goldfish, so this is why this section gets only one point. Now while I enjoy the mind numbing beats on Lebanese radio, they do tend to pale in comparison when set aside the Spanish stations each of which is reserved for a genre. So I could happilly listen to Guns'n Roses on one channel happilly knowing that the Jason Jonas brothers were a click away.

As for local music, I didn't develop any taste for that traditional Spanish stuff although they do have some nice contemp. Rock. Although In Lebanon I have had the privilege to hear some intense stuff from local bands as well, although not on the radio.

What seals the deal for Spain however is that in Barcelona there are people who play music in the metro and on the streets for money, they add a nice touch to the atmosphere and make the music scene in Spain generally more pleasurable.

Spain: 1 point

3. Party Scene (1)
I was fortunate to go to only one clubbing place in Spain, and not the seal kind. I am generally a person who dislikes such places to the greatest degree, the loud throbbing music, and my inability to portray human manoeuvrability do not do me much aid in this area, however even I must admit after seeing the sad state of Spanish clubs that Lebanon is a hundred times superior in this area.

Lebanon: 1 point
4. Beach (1)
The Beach in Spain is awesome (Extra points for linking to my own blog!) The sand is nice and free. What sucks though is that you have to pay for any extra servies such as umbrellas and those plastic thingies you lay down on. On top of that people roam the beach selling beers and massages and free skin disease. While in Lebanon you have to pay for the use of the beach, in most places once in you are able to use the services of the place without fear of having your shit robbed. This would to me net the same result between the two. I am so tempted to throw in the naked titties in favor of Spanish beaches but I will not. As a result the two tie on this part and neither get a point, or both get infinite points multiplied by zero if you wish.

5. Transportation (3)
Upon returning to Lebanon the first thing I realized was how crappy and un-friendly our public and private transportation system was. In spain the trains and busses go up straight to the airport, and a trained monkey could navigate the metro system (I still managed to take a day to get used to it). It is so useful and helpful that it just makes sense in that it makes life easier. Inside the city the metro is amazing and in longer distances the buses are a good deal. Everything is air-conditioned and organized and people respect those who walk. In addition everyone also seems to use a mobilette, even hot girls, many a time I am harassed by the loud buzzing of a scooter only to turn around and see long hair fluttering in the wind, doesn't stop me from silently cussing them but it looks pretty to watch/ That's cause 16 year olds can drive those things over there and while it gives them mobility it also gives them death which if you look at it is a pretty sweet exchange. On a last note the streets are clearly marked as to where pedestrians cross and walk, where bikes cross and go and where the homeless are to lie in despair, that's one sweet deal.

On the other hand Lebanon frustrated me as a driver, pedestrian, and in transportation in general. I can only imagine the harrowing experiences of foreigners who try to get transportation here (oh combo!) The public transportation is awful in quality, and is very unwieldy to use to all but the most experienced user. Pay rates are not fixed and you often end up with some story of how the driver hit on you. Lebanese transportation does have some merits though, being able to hail a bus anywhere you like (thus blocking traffic), and the fact that it is cheaper than in Spain. But with a complete lack of any order it is painfully obvious how badly we need a comprehensive transportation system (Come on misitry of trasport) (Oh and by the way. anyone else see those justice dept ads, what a waste of fucking money. fucking jealousy towards the interior dept, it has to convey a message for it to work fuckwads!)

Anyway I gave this section three points because it is so important for the enjoyment of any country. At first I decided to give Lebanon a point for cheapness, and customisability, but upon looking at the above criteria and spending two days driving here I'm not giving Lebanon any pooints because my nerves are on edge and I'm about to smack a bitch.

Spain: 3 points

6. Hotness (1)
This section is completely subjective so I don't want to hear any bitchin. Now Whilst in Spain I was first stunned by how many gorgeous chicks there were out and about, but then I got around some more and noticed that many of them were tourists, and tourists it seems tend to have a knack for being attractive (Ugly chicks tend to have a knack to stay at home stuffing their faces) Anyway once I got down to it the real spaniards, while having some very fine specimens seemed to all fuck their looks up by getting weird as shit haircuts!

This style sees guys and girls shave the sides of their heads while they wear everything else long. To me it looked ridiculous and while I did get many a good boner in Spain it seems that Lebanese women have more of the hotness factor if just for the amount of time and effort they put into piecing themselves together

By the way check this out (It's cause they are only worth their looks and ugly chicks are stuffing their face while the hot ones stuff other things)

Lebanon: 1 point

7.Order (3)
To me order is one of the most essential things needed to enjoy your time anywhere. To bring the point home as to how ordered Spain was, just imagine that everyone had a dog, and even though it seemed the dog population was equal to that of humans and double in the single lonely people demographic I never saw a piece of shit in the streets!

In Lebanon while it seems that only a select few people have dogs, I can never seem to have a walk down any street without coming across some major dog shit. FUZCK!

Spain also has people who follow laws but lots of people who break them as well. Although in general I felt safer in Spain but I didn't feel very secure. Let me explain, While in spain I was actually pickpocketed of my wallet and passport, but through some quick thinking and reflexes i managed to get them back. In Spain I never felt unsafe but I was always on alert from being pickpocketed. On the other hand, in Lebanon I generally don't have to worry about such trivial things but I do tend to worry about where the next bomb will go off or whether the walls in Hamra can withstand a fucking RPG or celebratory gunfire. So you see it's a different field of order. As a result this section will see the points divided.

Lebanon: 1 point
Spain: 2 points

8.People (2)
People are an essential part of any pleasurable experience. In Spain People tend to stare a lot but once past that they seem very friendly. But they are also not very enthusiastic about sharing their culture, maybe something to do with having too many tourists, so it takes away a bit from your journey.
In Lebanon the reverse is true, people can be too friendly to a degree that they hit on you and offer you marriage dowries. A balance between the two is needed which is why this section will see the points split in half.

Spain: 1 point
Lebanon: 1 point

9. Nature (1)
To some nature is an essential part of every vacation, not to me though, What I appreciated much more was the speedy internet connection (yes prons!) But anyway it so happens that while Lebanon and Spain both have amazing natural landscapes, Spain has been able to organize it better and make it more imposing. I don't know if this is a good thing but it wins Spain a point/

Spain: 1 point

10. Culture/art (2)
While I may seem like a crude and unrefined savage I do enjoy the arts and as a result I gave it two points, (The art of nudity that is! POW!)

While housing great stores of culture called "sex shops" and having an erotica museum, Spain has an additional surprisingly powerful artistic and cultural heritage. It seemed like after the end pof the 1800's Spain got into gear and gave us a whole shitload of great art and artists, like Picaso Gaudi and Dali to mention three. Now of the three Dali was the most mind blowing awesome one of them all and my brain actually came multiple times while at his museum. on the Lebanese side there is dust in the wind.

Spain: 2 points

11. TV (1)
While both have a good repertoire of local TV channels only one country has these TV channels showing whores and titties and good ol fashined sex at night. The closes Lebanese TV got to showing a boob on TV was Marcelle Ghanem on the LBC (Zing!!)

Spain: 1 point

12. Dance (1)
While I appreciated the movie Dabki I still think the dance is retarded when put upon Spanish Flamengo and shit like that. However seeing as I don't give a shit about this section let's pretend it doesn't even exist and divide all points given here by zero. I'm talking about folkloric dances and while the clean no touch approach of Dabki is commendable, and on the other side the sensual movings of belly dancing are bonerific it's not really a fair fight when put up against passionate powerful grips.

13. Tolerance (1) (yeah strippers)
Let me put it this way, Gay parades every wednesday, topless and sometimes bottomless at beaches, and sex shops and local porn. I rest my case

Spain: 1 point

14. Bang for buck (2)
Being a cheap ass like myself getting the best bang for buck is pretty important. The prices in Spain were exorbitant, hell I almost starved the first day cause I couldn't bare paying 20 dollars for a small pizza. Shit man everything there is so expensive and while I stole some fast free internet everything you can pay for costs less in Lebanon so Lebanon gets two points.

Lebanon: 2 points

Lebanon: 8 points
12 points

Conclusion: I still have to get the fuck out of here!



Yasmina said...

man the vault picture is so sad!!

Anonymous said...

uv been to one part of spain btw its the catalunya
and nature needs 3 points im sorry:p

Ramzi said...

fucking hillarious man!!!!!!!! leik call me ya 7ayawen, it's ramzi ma ghayre

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