Monday, August 03, 2009

Time Travel

I am back and will resume updates as usual. Now that July is over and we can say that this blog has been around for a month I can tackle an issue I have been wanting to discuss for some time now.

Did you guys ever watch the time machine (or read for those of you who are so fucking pretentious that they stub their nose at anyone who uses other forms of media and calls them crass, ignorant, feels superior to them, and wears turtlenecks and has a fucking fake accent and who's name is Thomislav)

I'm sure many of you did. Now besides the deep night fantasies of going back in time and having your way with cave-women, or those wet dreams about that hot blonde chick the main character picks up in the future, and who he fucks senseless every night until she turned to oatmeal, there is a somewhat different thought process that sometimes arises in those bored and lazy enough to spend their time thinking "what if" while lying is a post-masturbatory daze on a couch because the remote is too far to reach by merely stretching their arm.

That thought is "what would happen if I went back into the past and got stuck there" (fuck it is at this point that i realize there are actually movies also dealing with this topic but i so wanted to go on about the time machine so that's just the way it is now, sorry Martin Lawrence)

Well, many of us would like to think that with our thousands of years of advancement. and what being in the information age and all, we could outwit our primitive predecessors (No idea why it's spelled this way the english language has no god) and easily come to rule over all of them with our superior knowledge and a predictive foresight of the future.

For those who agree with the above paragraph I invite you to take a look at the following:

Ancient man

Middle Age man


Now that you have looked upon these fine specimens notice how in every single combination any outcome of the two of you meeting will end in your timely demise or passionate sex in which you are used as a dildo. Thefirst picture is self explanatory, big spear, big dick, the second picture is more subtle, this man is obviously intellectually superior to you, not every man can sport such a moustache and facial hair in such a way as to be telling you I fucked your mother, and my beauty is beyond your understanding at the same time. He has the twinkle of malice in his eye the malice that will cause him to impale you from your ass to your mouth on that pike he is holding. but what seals the deal though is his faggy ass clothing which would have renderred any other man an immediate target for bullying but not this badass motherfucker this guy could wear a fucking pink tutu and still look manlier than ur pathetic ass, as for the final picture, that is you, in your tender youthful fantasies holding (badly i might add) a plastic sword with which your foe will pick his teeth once he is done with you.

Now that we have established that you will last as long as a battery powered racing car should you feel like giving conquering the world a shot, let us deal with non-human related survival in the past.

All those present who know how to hunt, purify water, pick fruit, or just plain fucking sleep in the woods raise your hands. The fact that you are alone on your computer at this point obviously tells me enough to know that your hand was not raised, it was probably caressing your dick or clutching your asthma inhaler.

On all accounts it would seem that if any of us were transported back, lacking the tools to survive, lacking any tools whatsoever in fact, we would end up screwed.

Well now comes the point when reading this blog pays off. I will save your fucking life. Behold the key to all your fucking troubles :

(Inspirational music):

What you see before you is the key to your survival in the past, courtesy of Bazell W Riz. Following these rules, not being a dick and making sure you end up in a time when they speak English, you may now set upon your merry way of rape and conquest changing the future of the world forever. Remember to thank me when I'm born, buy me some Microsoft stocks or some shit.

On another note Einstein disproved time travel, how you may ask, by looking time in the face and stabbing it with a fucking shib you vagina! Einstein then turned to his fellow scientists declared that time could no longer travel and we can now all live in peace. Good thing too cause Einstein would've fucking kicked your ass had he seen what shoes you were wearing. Pussy!

For more strategies on fucking up time you may also try going back killing your grandfather, fucking your grandmother and giving wedgies to jesus christ.

All's well that ends well

Actually in the future they manage to get time travel back but they are even lazier than we are so no one really bothered.

The Vault a classic:


Anonymous said...

out of all the information in this stupid perverted article I liked the last vault picture... only... only..
mind your language pussy!

lukewarm said...

That is because you are a woman.

Hanzala said...

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL hilarious!!!!!!!!! really the blog is really fun! espacially your posts!

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