Thursday, November 12, 2009

The do's and don'ts of Diarrhea

It has been the scourge of the spelling world for ages, a serious killer and a fantastic party trick. Yes it's Diarrhoea . My recent sickness has given me an upfront encounter with this fascinating illness. It is responsible for over 2 million deaths a year. That's 5479 deaths a day folks! I almost feel honoured to be hosting such a powerful disease in my body. Through these two days I've come to learn much about my tiny deadly friend as a result I have compiled for your viewing pleasure a list of:

The Do's and Don'ts of Diharrea:

Do take oral rehydration salts
Dehydration is the main reason people die from diharroea, oral rehydration salts will keep you hydrated and healthy until your liquid stream is over.

DO NOT take anal rehydration salts!
Just trust me on this one. It burns.

Do check your shit for blood
Knowing what kind of Dichorena is essential in knowing how to treat it. If you find blood in your stool it's probably a good idea to call a doctor. If you don't then sit it out for a day or two.

Do not check your shit for the face of Jesus
Do you really want to be the person calling the vatican to tell them you saw jesus in your toilet. You'd get the fastest excommunication in history.

Hello, pope? I'd like to report a miracle

Do check your shit for yesterdays lunch
This is one of the most fun and confusing things to pass time when you have dihorrea discovering that you shit out the complete mighty chicken platter you had at roadsters will give you minutes of joyous wonder.

I didn't have any corn!

Do not taste your shit for yesterdays lunch
Need I say more? (I'm looking at you dewey!)

Do stay within 5 minutes of a bathroom
You never know when an "emergency" will strike, the best way to avoid any embarrassment is to keep yourself within a 5 minute trip of a bathroom, and to avoid all long journeys. This experience comes from a painful event when I was 5.

Do not permanently sit on the crapper
We know that dihorrea can be an awful thing, but constructing a fortress of toilet paper in the bathroom is a sure path to death and a wrinkly butt. You want to have a life after your done and getting your butt stuck to the toilet seat kinda alienates your friends.

Do use your time efficiently to create shitty works of art

DO not use your time creatively to create artistic works of shit

100% natural and organic

Do install that computer game you havn't had time to play
The thing about Diarrea is that you have all the time to do the things you used to in school. Mainly blow the living fuck out of Zombies.

Do not download torrents of Porn
Yes it's true, you're not dreaming, lukewarm has actually advised against masturbation in this particular case. The reason is that you're already losing up to 3 litres of fluid a day and exhausting yourself with a marathon masturbation session is only going to make things worse... Unless it's star wars porn... it's ok if you die for that.

Tips from Diharrea basics dot com:

If your rectal area becomes sore because of frequent bowel movements, or if you experience itching, burning, or pain during bowel movements:
  • Try warm baths. Afterwards, pat the area dry (do not rub) with a clean, soft towel.
  • Apply a hemorrhoid cream or white petroleum jelly to the anus.



viagra online said...

Id hate to have diarrhea at the moment ,it really sucks to have to be sitting on the crapper all day long .

Post a Comment