Oooh baby! O_o

Today was one of those days when everything seemed to slow down to a painful crawling pace. Traffic was congested, work took forever, the internet was extra slow, and I spent 30 minutes in the bathroom working out last night's cheese pizza. It was like the clock reverted to Jupiter time, except it was earth and your father left when you were three leaving you with an emotionally abusive mother who blames you for how crappy her life is.

yees stay still while I break your back!

Moving on however some time between filing another data entry sheet, and daydreaming about what my boss would look like in a pantless ape suit, I stumbled upon this gem of an article. Let's take a look shall we:

"A Melbourne, Florida woman thought she was helping out a severely disabled man by feeding him and changing his diapers for three months, but it turns out she may have just been catering to a weird guy's baby fetish."

So the gist of it is, this guy pretends he has a retarded brother who needs to wear diapers and be taken care of except he is his brother and he is not retarded (not in that way at least). He just loves wearing diapers and being taken care of.

Pictured above: What will haunt you in your dreams tonight

Where do we keep coming up with these weird fetishes. I mean before this I knew of a fetish where guys liked to look at girls in diapers but not wear them themselves. The internet has never let me down on these things, it's just way bigger than the scope of my creativity, I can't seem to understand it! That is why the internet is God!!

Actually in retrospect, I can see why this fetish is particularly appealing. I mean what's better than wearing diapers and being taken care of all day without having to do anything yourself. Hell this man may have been charged with a fine, but I think it's inspiring that in this day and age there is still someone who knows what they want and is not afraid of going out and getting it!

It's a confusing world out there with choice explosion. In this blog post alone I've just covered 6 different topics and any way you look at it that's bad writing! So I say screw society! Find your fetish and go for it! You bunch of crazies!

Now excuse me while I go search for a yellow diving suit and a bucket of powdered milk.





Vault: rule 34 of the internet: If it exists there is porn of it. No Exceptions

You love your President, let him love you back!

Sweet Baby Jesus!

Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat thinking "If only I could make love to Barack Obama". Who hasn't right!?

Well today I'm here to tell you "Yes you can!", well almost anyway.

The Head O State Obama sex toy is now on sale in presidential gold, or democratic blue!


Just look at that baby! Imagine all 12 inches of Obama filling you up and satisfying every sexual urge you have! It's going to bring Change ... to your pants!

I know what you're thinking, you're thinking "But I'm a Republican! I can't handle the awesome awesomeness of Obama!"


Well the good news is we got something just for you!

If an orgasm for you is as hard to find as a WMD in Iraq then this baby will satisfy all your needs.

Presenting The Bush Butt Plug!!

Better known by its fans as the Bushplug.

This guy'll be bringing you to an orgasm of mass destruction! Booya!

Here is a link to a Hillarious Product Review of both items. If you have low bandwidth trust me it's worth the wait.


Vault: Wisdom of the elders:

Get your own damned Fetus!

So there I was right, minding my own business undergoing mitosis like every other day I've ever existed when this little shit comes all uninvited. At first I thought it's probably on it's way out, but then the little bugger had the nerve to go and get fertilized. What a damn whore!


Yes readers it is true, a pregnant woman in the US has fallen  pregnant again while she was already pregnant with a pregnancy! pregnant.

How could this happen you ask. The doctors are saying it's an uber rare case which only happens once a year in certain species of sea mammals. What the dolphin was doing living among us is still a question that has yet to be answered.


Here is what the expectant mother to be to be had to say:

"When she said, 'and baby number two has got a healthy little heartbeat', - I just started gagging."

It's nice to see that touching maternal instinct kicking in.


Vault:

You can Microwave Hot Dogs!

I just found out an hour ago that hot dogs are microwavable! How crazy is that! All those years of waiting for those hot dogs to boil, only to find out that you can just drop'em on your plate and stick'em in the microwave for a minute. I also found out a few minutes ago that these hot dogs are just as deliciously tasty! Yeah!

Hot dogs! So damn awesome

So on another note, I just came back from a potential job interview. Everything went well, but I really didn't connect with the person doing the interviewing. Things just seemed to spiral down hill after I told him about the blog.

A: So I see here on your resume that you write in a blog! What kind of blog is it?
L: Oh umm.. you know... it's ... I find weird websites and share them with the world.
A: right.
L: (casually) yeah I just do it for fun
A: hey could you stop peeing in the plant pot it's really distracting
L: (shakes final drop) Yep alll done :)

You know if you can't brag about something in an interview it's best not to put it on your resume. I left with a card up my sleeve though, when he sees how lovely his tomatoes are coming in he's sure to hire me then! I'm thinking for future interviews, I'll just pass Maya's Amalgam blog off as mine. Pseudonyms are awesome.


Vault:

A Wild Sheep Chase

So, I've been traveling around the united states for a couple of weeks now, and although I could tell you all about it and my thoughts on globalization and the Palestinian problem and love and life, I decided to share with you an excerpt from the book I am reading, A Wild Sheep Chase by Murakami.

' " Why do boats have names, but not airplanes"? I asked the chauffeur. "Why just flight 971 or Flight 326, and not the Bellflower or the Daisy? "
" Probably because there are more planes than boats. Mass production."
" I wonder. Lots of boats are mass-produced, and they may out-number planes."
" Still . . . , " said the chauffeur, then nothing for a few seconds.
"Realistically speaking, nobody's going to put names on each and every city bus. "
" I think it'd be wonderful if each city bus had a name," said my girlfriend.
" But wouldn't that lead to passengers choosing the buses they want to ride? To go from Shinjuku to Sendagaya, say, they'd ride the Antelope but not the Mule."
"How about it?" I asked my girlfriend.
"For sure, I'd think twice about riding the Mule, " she said.
"But hey, think about the poor driver of the Mule," the chauffeur spoke up for drivers everywhere. "The Mule's driver isn't to blame."
"Well put," said I.
"Maybe," she said, "but I'd still ride the Antelope."
"Well there you are," said the chauffeur. "That's just how it'd be. Names on ships are familiar from times before mass production. In principle, it amounts to the same thing as naming horses. So that airplanes treated like horses are actually given names too. There's the Spirit of St.Louis and the Enola Gay. We're looking at a full-fledged conscious identification."
"Which is to say that life is the basic concept here."
"Exactly."
"And that purpose, as such, is but a secondary element in naming. "
"Exactly. For purpose alone, numbers are enough. Witness the treatment of the Jews at Auschwitz. "
" Fine so far," I said. "So let's just say that the basis of naming is this act of conscious identification with living things. Why then do train stations and parks and baseball stadiums have names, if they're not living? "
" Why? Because it'd be chaos if stations didn't have names."
"No, we're not talking on the purposive level. I'd like you to explain it to me in principle."
The chauffeur gave this serious thought. He failed to notice that the traffic light had turned green. The camper van behind us honked its horn to the overture of The Magnificent Seven.
"Because they're not interchangeable, I suppose. For instance, there's only one Shinjiku Station and you can't just replace it with Shibuya Station. This non-interchangeability is to say that they're not mass-produced. Are we clear on those two points?"
[...]
"If stations were interchangeable, what would that mean? If for instance, all national railway stations were mass-produced fold-up type buildings and Shinjuku Station and Tokyo Station were absolutely interchangeable?"
"Simple enough. If it's in Shinjuku, it'd be Shinjuku Station; if it's in Tokyo it'd be Tokyo Station."
"So what we're talking about here is not the name of a physical object, but the name of a function. A role. Isn't that purpose?"
The chauffeur fell silent. Only this time he didn't stay silent for very long.
"You know what I think," said the chauffeur. "I think maybe we ought to cast a warmer eye on the subject."
"Meaning?"
"I mean towns and parks and streets and stations and ball fields and movie theatres all have names, right? They are all given names in compensation for their fixity on the earth."
A new theory.
"Well, " said I, "Suppose I utterly obliterated my consciousness and became totally fixed, would I merit a fancy name?"
The chauffeur glanced at my face in the rear view mirror. A suspicious look, as if I were laying some trap. "Fixed?"
"Say I froze in place, or something. Like Sleeping Beauty."
"But you already have a name."
"Right you are," I said. " I nearly forgot." '

You know what really clips my begonias!

When people think that just because I'm young and opinionated I must be rebellious.

The below stories are based on true events.
************************************************************************************

The Year is 1998:

R: So you're saying you don't believe in God at all
(L)uke: No, not really. I've given it some thought and the whole idea isn't very convincing.
R: that's interesting, but I think it's a bit stupid,  you know thinking that you can go against thousands of years of tradition. It won't make you cool if that's what you're thinking.
L:  Yeah but I grew up in a way where God, was treated just as Zeus and Baal, and when you put them next to each other, they don't really look that different.
R: Ah what do you know, you still have a lot left to live, I know many people who were Atheists when they were young and changed their minds as they grew older.
L: ...

The Year is 2000:

K: So you're an atheist.
L: Uh yeah.
K: Oh man you remind me of my brother.
L: Why is he an atheist.
K: no he is a christian missionary
L: ... (wtf)
K: As a kid he didn't believe in god too.
L: What happened to change his mind.
K: He grew up.


The Year is 2002.

B: So what do you think about god
L: Kind of a big conversation topic for a hair cut
B: I realized you didn't say anything when we talked about this months divine worship ceremony
L: I'm not really into that stuff
B: Why! You know it can be really cathartic.
L: Wow you use such big words for a barber.
B: ...
L: I mean, I just don't really believe in all of that you know
B: Oh so you're in that rebellious phase
L: euh ... yeah sure, just keep those scissors away from my ears.
B: It's ok live it out now you'll come around soon enough.

The year is 2004:

L: Man please don't tell me you've gone religious.
J: Listen I know you don't believe in this stuff but it doesn't mean you can diss on my thing.
L: dude they perform exorcisms! They're just scamming people for money!
J: No way man, how do you explain that I fainted when he hit me with the bible.
L: Man! It's cause he hit you with a bible! Those things are heavy man! Man!
J: Whatever, I know you can't understand it now, but one day you'll have a revelation!
L: whatever, let's not talk about this.


The year is 2006:

S: wow that was a good kiss
L: really! cool
Fwd 5 minutes
S: yeah, I just want you to know I'm really tolerant
L: great
S: yeah I have friends from all different religions
L: it's really good that you do
S: what about you what's your view on other religions
L: well I'm an atheist so it's not really an issue for me, they're all the same.
S: ...
L: euh, why are you crying? (WTF)
S: *sniffling*  I'm sorry I didn't realize ... you don't even believe in God?
L: no
S: oh and I was getting to like you too (all out bawling now)
L: the hell
S: I'm sorry, it's just, I don't think we should go on another date.
L: (Where do I find these people!)

The Year is 2008.

U: so you're still an atheist
L: still? ... yeah
U: Huh I thought you'd grow out of it by now
L: ...
U: It's a bit silly, you're reaching the age when it's kind of immature to be an atheist
L: (WTF!!)


Present

L: Hey are you ok?
F: Oh yes my son, it's just a minor bump.
L: Yeah these roads are pretty slippery *cough* father *cough*
F: Thanks be to the grace of God
L: ... yeah
F: So the car crash claim guy's gonna be a while.
L: just 15 minutes
F: Oh is this yours (holds up cross)
L: No. I don't carry religious icons around.
F: oh that's interesting
L: *sighs* listen ...
F: Why is that my child
L: don't call me that
F: Call you what my son
L: (heads to the trunk of the car, pulls out mandatory baseball bat.)
F: What are you doing there? No! (L Swings on left knee-cap) Noo! (F's speach degenerates into muffled screams of pain)
L: (yelling at nothing in particular) What the hell is wrong with everyone! I'm sick of this shit! I can't take it I tell you!
(L brings bat high above his head and down on the priest)
F: ...(presumed dead)
L: (laughs maniacally) L drags the body to the back seat and leaves into the night.


***********************************************************************************


It just twists my jock strap seeing these people patronize me like I'm some kind of ADHD patient who's opinions are worth less than zimbabwean currency! People need to Recognize!


Next person to say that my belief in the absence of a God is a symptom of rebellious youth gets to find out where the priest is. You have been warned.


Vault 1: Something fitting

Vault 2: in the aftermath of Kanye West's retarded spectacle, today we bring you a website dedicated to photoshops parodying the event: i'ma let you finish.com,

Best 3 picks:

 

Also we're thinking of monetizing the blog, would that offend you guys?

Paying respect to others

We've been having a pretty good run on this blog, and even though we like to think that we're the foremost Lebanese blog, the truth is that there is a whole society of Lebanese bloggers out there. If you want to see a pretty comprehensive list go to lebanonaggregator where they are also featuring a blog everyday, but if you want me to weed the best ones out for you check out the links below. I'll also add some of my favourite non-Lebanese blogs and comics as well.


Disclaimer: These are only the blogs I know about and there are probably dozens more out there that I have neglected to mention.

The Political:

Some of you who have no interest in politics may want to skip on this category but I feel that the blogs listed here have clarity and rationality and are honest which is why I really enjoy reading them:

Qifanabki: This blog is actually multifaceted, it contains the qonion satirical pieces which you can see in the links section to the right, but it also more often deals with things seriously and raises some very good questions. An added bonus is that the blogger has a good sense of humour, and as a result makes the dry issues more bearable to read.


Ziad Majed: Ziad Majed is currently doing his PHD in science po in france. Putting aside my reservations on the country he is blogging from, Majed is one of the foremost thinkers on the political situation in Lebanon. Now I won't say I agree with everything he has to say, but he puts things nicely and in an orderly way, and despite being within the March 14 camp, has incisive comments about the Lebanese political scene. His blog is in Arabic.

Hanzala: This blog deals more with the issue of Palestine, but also covers some cool material on Lebanon. It hasn't been updated for a while but it's not a dead blog.  It often has really cool links, like the ones I find but not so much bizarre as sad.

Israel Palestine uncensored: A non-Lebanese blog by the If Americans Knew website, this blog updates frequently and has realtime stories from Palestine. The website itself is a great resource for any Lebanese interested in the question of Palestine.

Blogging the Casbah:  A blog by 3(i think) journalists blogging from Palestine and Israel. I like it.

The Interesting:

Lebanese Inner Circle: This blog used to update daily, but has recently seen a slow down for some reason. It's a goldmine of a place, with frequent updates, all of which seem to be insider tips and news about what's going on in Lebanon today. This blog should be in every Lebanese's arsenal of information sources, right next to Bazella W riz. Bonus: You can send them any story you find and they will post it!


Boing Boing: For the internet junkie, this blog updates multiple times a day, and each update is some fascinating tidbit of art/science/technology. Not Lebanese.

Blogging Beirut: Arguably the greatest lebanese blog out there. Blogging beirut was featured on CNN and BBC during the 2006 war. Organizers of the "I heart Beirut" sticker campaign and the "I heart Jemmayzeh" Sticker campaign as well. One of the bloggers went to the same school I did, although he is a bit older than me. This blog doesn't go into nonsense politics and such, it is a great source for the latest on great events happening in Lebanon and has other interesting titbits. Another essential blog to keep on your list.

Beirut NTSC: Another cool blog, this blog fulfils my desires of seeing a blog that deals with Lebanese ads. Many of the posts seem to deal with this phenomenon, but it also has interesting commentary on Lebanon in general.

+961:  Intersting blog with an author who consistently comes up with interesting ideas.

TED: lectures which brings a bunch of genii together sticks them in a room and then waits to see what happens. Friggin swait!

Half&Half: I honestly still don't know if I like this blog yet, it's by a Lebanese American living here and her perceptions of the region. It has some cool insights from a foreigners perspective, but I have yet to decide if I really like it. I'll let you decide.

The Fun :)

Maya's Amalgam: My favourite Lebanese blog. This girl is amazing and so is her blog.  Check the link. Then tell her I sent you.

Hummus Nation: This hillarious blog is a gem of satirical news updates. I think it updates daily, as funny as watching a crippled kid fall down an up escalator, forever.

Funnycrave: This website is a great place to go if you're bored, interesting articles, not for the slow of bandwidth though.

LifeGeeked: Just weird Lebanese IT geeks,


The Onion: CNN's lighter side, not to be confused with the Qnion which is just as awesome.

The Artsy fartsy:

Since the artistic half of this blog is away at the moment, I'll try to fill in the gaps. I don't even know why I have these.

(BLIP): Lebanese Artsy Fartsy Photography Blog

Green Pipes: Lebanese Artsy Fartsy Illustrations Blog


Hanane Kai's Blog: Lebanese Artsy Fartsy Self Blog


Arabic Type Design: Lebanese Artsy Fartsy Font Blog... (Seriously?)

The Comics (Not Lebanese) (BUY SAMANDAL!)
I'm going to introduce you to the marvellous addictive world of webcomics. Enter at your own risk.

The Noob Comic: A comic for WOW players and general gamers. Slow updates.


Zoology: Family friendly yet funny comic. About Sheep and monkeys in a zoo.  No bestiality in this one.

joegp: in an alternate universe hamsters have mastered space travel. slow updates

Oglaf: Adult comics which are more funny than erotic.

XKCD: The webcomic Gods. You'll know em once u see em.

SMBC: My favourite webcomic of all time.

Cyanide and Happiness: Webcomic demi-gods.Also another internet celebrity.

Starslip crisis: I really like this webcomic, it's more story line than punch line based though.

PHD: A must have for all University graduate students.

White Ninja: Second Favourite sick comic.

If you want more go to Lebanon Aggregator or follow the links in the blogs themselves. I'll be adding all of these to the links section to the right later for easy reference. Also don't worry I wanted to make a post like this for some time now, it's not going to be the norm and we'll be back to asinine unfunny funny soon.


Vault:

Happy eid everyone!

Hey! It's that time of year again, the time when family tensions hit their peaks, and your sister in law starts looking super fine!

We'd like to take a moment of your festive making this year to remind you to appreciate the things you have. To think of those who are spending this joyous time in less than fortunate circumstances, with an emotionally abusive father, and a mother who loves your their brother more than she loves you them. Families where the idea of a great get together involves hours of excruciating haggling between your aunts over who's son is now the bigger douchetard in life. And great experiences where you can all sit around a warmly decorated table while your grandma does cocaine shots in the guest bathroom, and your little baby cousin is licking some vaguely red coloured liquid from off the floor while his parents ignore him because they are too busy giving each other bitter stares of mutual loathing. ah good times

Vault:
Today's vault is borrowed from another Lebanese blogger, who was at the same high school I went to .

I give you: Jumblat's interview with playboy!

Why I like PC, because I hate Macs

My campaign to end the tyranny of macintosh began not long ago with random night time excursions in abandoned parking lots. But realizing that reaching (read stabbing) people one at a time was not going to get the message across I have turned to the use of reason. (although it is questionable whether mac users understand the concept). So I bring you the 5 reasons I hate macs.


Reason 1:Gaming
What good are awesome graphics and powerful processors if you can't shoot someone's head and limbs off! More importantly what good is it if I can't drive around in a car looking for Mexican hookers to bludgeon to death with a baseball bat while they run away screaming and crying, only to have me catch up with them and 5 minutes later to stare at their listless bodies lying in the middle of a giant pool of blood!

Reason 2:Marketing
Marketing for macs is done in an obnoxious way. The whole campaign focuses on how owning a mac turns you into a hip artistic trendy person. All the ads drum it into our heads over and over again. It's the biggest pile of bullturd I've ever seen! The truth is the computer you own is not a reflection of the person you are, and that is the macs entire marketing campaign.

 

Burns don't it

Reason 3:User base
All the people I know who own a Mac like to shove it down your throat constantly. They are like the newly religious except their great thing isn't the meaning of life, it's a fucking computer. I feel like smashing that flimsy silver piece of shit up against their heads every time they tell me how great and awesome they are because they own a mac, and how it's just soo horrible to be a slave to society, and to lose your individuality. Owning a mac does not make you a good person, bragging about having one just makes you look like a douche.

My my look at all those individuals!

Reason 4:Macs are patronizing
There is a reason why we don't let grandma on the computer anymore. Mainly because she is dead, but also because we know that she's going to delete all our system files. I'll admit, Macs are easier to use, but really do you want to be bragging about a product that exists because you're totally retarded? A PC user is hardened by years of playing with his computers internal organs and as a result is the better and superior human for it, If you don't know that you need to stay away from your system32 files then you don't deserve to hold a mouse. It's been a few years since I last got a virus and it's just pisses me off to see a mac salesperson pitch me with a product based on my ineptitude as a human being!


Reason 5: Gates/Jobs

Bill Gates is was a nerdy talented yet under-appreciated hard working, credit stolen from ugly faced employee of Jobs who was a good looking business savvy elitist tool. You can immediately see who the people's favourite in this showdown is.
Gates was one of the major developers of the first macintosh, he created the entire damn interface for the thing, and when Jobs was done with him he tossed him aside like a used condom. Was Gates going to lie down and take the abuse like he did so many times in High school? Hell No! he developed Microsoft while in the basement of his parents house!(actual facts required) and moved on to dominate Jobs's ass, and conquer the world's operating systems and hearts simultaneously! Yeah! Score 1 for the nerd squad!

Way to go Billy!

Sure Windows has consistency problems and can get a little frustrating but every time we watch Bill Gates hire a hooker to rub her body with microprocessors we're doing it with him! He represents all of us computer users and seeing him shoot to success makes the occasional blue screen of death worthwhile. And that is the last word on that!


Vault:I suggest looking at the related videos as  well

Cheeseburger Pizza

Just finished watching "Apocalypse now", man that movie was intense. My thoughts are in disarray at the moment so I won't say much more on it except.

Having read the heart of darkness, which is just as dark but to me was less intense, I felt like this really owned the whole concept of the heart of darkness and the horror for its time, however having said that I felt like a lot of the scenes with the natives were out of place. Towards the end, scenes which are not really meant to happen in Indochina, and which are more likely to have occurred in some place like Latin America or Africa are transferred to Vietnam and to me felt are jarringly out of context.

Anyway I ordered a cheeseburger Pizza today, sounded like a pretty good idea to me at the time. I love cheeseburgers, being one of the easiest and tastiest foods out there, and I like Pizza. So I thought wow combining those two must create like an explosion of taste in my mouth!

The Horror! The Horror!

I was wrong. It was horrible, worse than having a hobo bust a nut in the back of your throat.

That whole Pizza Cheeseburger thing tasted like buttered pop corn on crusty dough. Do yourselves a favor and spend the money on something better, like skin shavings or something.

Frankly this food item falls at the very bottom of the list of things you should pay money for, right between dog crap, and 3 day old toenail trimmings.

On another note Check out the most badass story out there at the moment. Man all that  surgery practice must have paid off.

Vault:

Just like mom used to make'm
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