Thursday, July 16, 2009

How to survive being tortured

As I was surfing the internet today I came across an article on how to survive being tortured.

Here are some of the things it suggests:
1.Determine why you are being tortured. Once you know if they are trying to get something from you, to punish you or if they are just doing it to be sadistic it will help you know how to deal with them. 2.Try to remain useful. In order to survive being tortured your captors must believe that you can help them. If they are torturing you for information, make them believe that you can help them, even if you cannot. If all else fails try to convince them that you provide some type of political or monetary value. Try anything you can think of. 3.Remain hopeful throughout your ordeal. Once you lose the will to live it is unlikely that you will survive being tortured. It is vital that you find something to hang on to that keeps you determined to live.
and a fourth point on how to live on after the ordeal is over.

Let me begin by telling you that advice like this is going to get you killed. Anyone who has sat in a Celine Dion concert can immediately tell that this advice is full of shit.

And since I didn't find any more useful hints I will give you my 4 tips on the matter.

Some of you may be wondering what makes me qualified to write on surviving torture. To you I say suck a nut.

1. From the point of capture assume that you no longer exist. You must remove all hope of rescue, and settle in comfortably with your new-found situation. It's not like anyone is going to want to look for you.

2. You've seen all those action movies where the hero taunts the torturer. James Bond comes to mind as he makes jokes while being beaten by a rope to his balls. If that was real you would see a man crying deep bitter tears as he drowns in a pool of his own blood. What you want to do is avoid such a scenario as you will surely perish. Once you find yourself in any compromising situation start yelling random shit. Confess everything, and blurt out any valuable information you might have.

3. Try and look as pathetic as possible. The torturer is just doing his job and by squealing like a pig on a day when pigs are killed you will make it easier on the both of you. The torturer will appreciate your endearing qualities of honesty and aversion to pain, and you may even make a new best friend.

4. Once all of this is done, make yourself as servile as possible, do not try to resist as that will only make them more annoyed and they will want to hurt you. If they want to kill you extend your neck so that they get a clear shot, if they want tea offer them your services, if they want a human toilet smile whilst they spray you. It's these little things which will see you make it out alive.

Well that's it for now:


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