Thursday, July 09, 2009

I'm in a sober sombre state today so my post won't be the usual, but don't worry there is plenty of that to come.

It is obvious to me that as a Lebanese citizen all my connections and friendships to this forsaken place have a superficial quality to them. I hold them knowing that at any moment I am willing to give them up to leave.

We're born with the instinctual urge to acquire the first foreign nationality we can. As if our time spent here is all in preparation to our real life which will take place elsewhere. And it is.

I had always taken pride in this instinct, thought of it as the natural order of things. I was constantly itching to get out of here and be free of the base creatures whose foul stench haunts every moment of my existence, and who I'm sure hold mutual feelings.

I was confident and more than happy, knowing that I was willing, nay eager, to give up everything I had here. Which is why from the start I never bothered to invest in any serious family or friend related bonds. The need to get out, to escape was overwhelming.

My friend recently said something that made me think that maybe it didn't have to be this way. "isn't it sad that you will never see these people again" this comment was made after graduation.

I thought about this and remembered my graduation. At the time I was so happy that I would never have to deal with anyone ever again, that all the fucktards from my life were gone and that I could finally leave to realize my full potential, to a land that had burgers in doughnuts, $5 whores, and parking tickets.

I couldn't help but think that maybe I didn't put any effort because I knew it was all going to disappear, had I expected that things would last maybe I would have acted differently. Instead of leaving this hell-hole maybe I could work in it, try to make it better, do it right and polish it's image. Maybe I could take part in making Lebanon a country I could be proud of!

Fortunately any thoughts I had quickly faded after I saw one of the recent graduates light their friend's hair on fire with a lighter.

No it isn't sad I said, it's glorious.

I have to get the fuck out of here.

Yada yada Vault:


Rita El-Haddad said...
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