Wednesday, October 07, 2009

The dignity of death

If you've been reading this blog for some time, you will know that the title to this piece does not imply that I will be dealing with how dignified death is. In fact you're probably expecting some awful story about how demeaning and disgusting death is.What can I say, you guys know me.

Above: A completely inaccurate portrayal of death. Get up! you're not fooling anyone!

The saying that death is a glorious dignified process upon which a man or woman leaves this earth is just romantic imagery. The truth is that death is as messy as a toddler in a peanut butter factory. Except the toddler is your dead grandpa and the peanut butter is shit.

There are quite a few ways your death can go wrong. The most common would be you shitting your pants upon death.

How bad would it be if your grandchildren came to play a game of fake heart attacks with you and instead you crapped your pants! On a scale of 1 to 10 that lies just above discovering your wife is actually Michael Jackson, but just below BEING MICHAEL JACKSON! heyo!

Relevant because he died humiliated and disgraced! Just like you will!

The second worst cause of embarrassment for the loved ones you left behind is when you ejaculate upon death. This most often happens during asphyxiation related dying. Imagine your tear-ey eyed son staring up at the gallows as you try to make your way with the least amount of whimpering. You hope that you have set an example for your child to follow as you near your final moments. You step up to the plate hold your breath, because some guy told you it would hurt less, and let go of this world, comfortable with the knowledge that you went out in the best way possible.

 The world will forever remember you as the master of kung fu movies. Oh and that time you died by strangling yourself to a death inducing orgasm.

Meanwhile  in the real world, your body is violently jerking about as you cum your pants, your child laughs at you, runs up to the executioner and adopts him as his new dad. The camera fades out with your son giving his new dad a thumbs up as he's comforting your bereaved wife.

Your wife after being "comforted" ;)

Last on this list is when you explode after you die. This requires the natural process of you own bacteria digesting you from the inside out and filling you with gas until you blow up from the pressure. It makes a great way for the bacteria to get around but you will always be remembered as that jerk that got his intestines in Sunday's lunch.


Also I know it's really slow but I'm still struggling to juggle University and maintaining the blog while I bang your mom's brains out! oh yeah! Hopefully I'll soon find my pace without losing the intensity. Maybe I'll slow updates down to twice a week.


Maya said...

Your posts are really special/different from all the rest and surely very personal. This one is the most 'realistic' thing I've read in weeks... I would even say pessimistic - but always with the touch of sarcasm that I really enjoy :) Good luck with your university work!

lukewarm said...

Maya! :) Thank you again :) You're so awesome!

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